Progress and confidence

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I feel a bit like I wrote my last post and it got a bit deep so I then dropped the mic and ran away. But hello! I am here.

 

And holy cow, it’s basically the end of February.  I knew 2015 would go by fast but it is disappearing in the blink of an eye. Tomorrow is 4 weeks until we fly to New Zealand and I suddenly feel the time crunch of it all – so much to do before the big day, but I know we’ll get there.

 

 

I’ve said it before, but I’ve had a bit of wedding dress body stress, and that has changed quite a lot since I last wrote about it.  My first dress fitting went really well, and the seamstress was fantastic and helpful and so, so cheap!  I almost fell off my bed when she told me how cheap it was going to be, and she had some excellent suggestions for amendments if I didn’t meet my fitness goals by the final fitting. I’ve got 11 days until the next fitting, but I’m feeling pretty happy with where I’m at so far. I’m still about 15-20lbs over where I (in a perfect world) thought I’d be on my wedding day, and about 25lbs over where I’d ideally like to be (which is actually lighter than I’ve been in geez, probably 15 years, so I’m just being pretty ambitious here), but since September I’ve lost nearly a stone (14lbs/6.5kg) and this year alone I’ve lost 8lbs, so I’m pretty stoked with that.

 

 

I know we’re all about not focusing on weight loss these days as a society, and accepting ourselves as we are, and I applaud that. But this to me was never about people thinking I was hot, or having a flat stomach, or buying into anything I’ve been told. It’s always been about my confidence level, and fitting into my clothes, and feeling healthy and strong.

 

 

The key to it for me has been diet (though yoga has been wonderfully beneficial as well) – once I started eating right, the cravings for stuff stopped, the self-control grew (like, I can have chocolate next to me and not eat the entire block, which a while ago was tough work) and I’ve become pretty obsessed with Nakd bars and stuff.  A huge help I’ve found has been not eating much at night/stopping eating before about 7pm – even when I’ve had an unhealthy day (cause, not gonna lie, there has been some fast food), I’ve managed to keep the weight loss going.

I also do a bit of 6:1/the occasional 5:2 and find that helpful too.  Not that common, though.  And more work to do!

 

 

Ultimately, it has been a huge boost to my confidence and to my happiness.  I still weigh so much more than I did 5 years ago, but my stomach is so much smaller, my thighs are awesome and I just feel good about my body for the first time in a long time.  Also, the yoga has contributed hugely to my mental health – my stress and anger levels have been pretty high over the last year, but they’re getting better.

 

 

I hope you’re all well and good!  I have some more posts planned for the next wee bit, so I’ll be back soon – especially to share some amazing shots I got while travelling last week.  And I’ve got my Edinburgh hen this weekend – super excited!

 

 

…xxx

swhite

On bodies.

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Well hello.  Prepare yourself for a lot of motivational stuff. Because I’m going to come back and look at this post whenever I need to.

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I need to admit something.

I hate my body.

Whomp, there it is.

tumblr_mpawl8s8tr1s6mp4qo1_500I’m not going to put any pictures up on this post to illustrate what exactly I don’t like, but. I hate it. I’ve never hated it so much before.

 

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I saw a photo of myself last week where I genuinely thought to myself – That’s the “before” shot on my “weight loss triumph” tumblr post.  I was genuinely dismayed.  I’ve been lying to myself for quite a long time that it wasn’t that bad.  It’s kinda bad.

I kinda like… my shoulders and arms. And my face.  And my boobs are okay.  Then from the knees down – not bad. Everything else? meh.

 

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I try to tell myself that my body is strong, functioning, worthwhile and has so much use, but I struggle most days to see it. I look for the most comfortable dress to put over leggings and hide everything I can.  And I’ve spent several months focusing on the positives like my hair and getting really comfortable with my own face in the mirror (hello, pretty lady!), which I thought would help with body positivity, but stress has lead to me just ignoring any consequences and eating, well, anything in sight.

 

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I’m not writing this post to receive a bunch of comments telling me my body is fine.  I appreciate the sentiment and the love behind it, but it’s not helpful, so please don’t.  I don’t need to hear that I’m fine the way I am or that I am not “fat” or big enough to worry.  Please don’t negate my feelings.  I also don’t need advice on how you think I should fix it: I have a lot of such knowledge already.  I collect such knowledge (nerd).  I am writing this to tell you my true and angsty feelings, here.  I am so hard on myself.  I make myself feel like too much of a failure.

We’re all too hard on ourselves.

 

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I want to be thin and fit again. Feel lean and strong.  I want to feel confident when I get dressed every day.  We all hear so much day-to-day about how the media/patriarchy/people around us have brainwashed us into believing skinny is good, and I understand why I feel this pressure to be smaller and how I got this idea into my brain, but that doesn’t help me suddenly like what I look like.  And it’s not like the vanity aspect is the whole issue – I am not particularly healthy.  And I no longer fit 80% of my wardrobe (with any comfort), which kinda scares me.

I have never been this big.  And it’s not overall curviness, it’s genuine… pudge due to my terrible diet, mostly around my stomach.  I live in fear of someone asking me when I’m “due”.  I cannot sit down in jeans without throwing something across my stomach or hoping my baggy top (also rather unflattering) will hide it.  I tilt my head like a crazy person to try and be okay with photos of me, and embarrassingly, have started to hide from photos.  All (full-length) photos of me lately have made me want to cry a little.

dont-youever-giveupIt’s really easy to tell everyone how to lose weight.  Calories out vs. calories in, right?  I know sticking to a set routine is what works for me and that at 5’2″, I hold onto weight pretty well and show every single new kilogram.  I know what my weaknesses and failings are.  And I know that outside factors have played a huge part in all of this – working 2 jobs for 3 months, getting the album finished, buying a house… these are all to blame.  They are wonderful experiences (except maybe the 2 jobs thing), but they have lead to a lot of binge-eating (often without even realising until much later).

 

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But.  The point of this post is that while I feel this way, I want to be better. I will be better.  This is only temporary.  And I know I need to be kinder to myself – we all slip and fail sometimes.  Many of us have woken from a stress-addled haze 6 months later to realise a change needs to be made, and most of us have looked in the mirror at some point and hated ourselves.  It just can’t be every day anymore.

 

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And my internal monologue will definitely need to change.  Hating a problem doesn’t fix it, it only makes me miserable. Onwards and upwards.

 

So, I pledge to you:

– I will be kind to myself and tell myself I can achieve what I want to achieve

– I will take genuine steps to manage my stress better and not let life overwhelm me

– I will take small steps back to eating the healthy diet I used to eat

– I will start (slowly) re-establishing my fitness routine

– I will not weigh myself, but judge how I feel in my clothes

– I will not strive to achieve a goal by a set time (though my 30th birthday would be nice!), but aim to make the daily changes that lead me to my goals and change my lifestyle

– I will not lament how slow things change – you cannot put anything off as it “will take so long” as that time will pass by anyway

– I will celebrate my achievements, no matter how small

– I will love my body again.

 

 

…xxx

siggrey

 

 

 

PS:  If you like motivational crap (I post it mostly for me), my tumblr is http://omgeverything.tumblr.com.

Shrinking

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Ch-ch-ch-changes…

I have no idea what I weigh right now, but I will tell you this:  things fit better. All the magazines say that’s what you should focus on, so I’m focussing on that.  That and I’ve been too lazy to get up earlier to weigh in. I might do that tomorrow.  But I fit size 10-12 with the occasional 10 and still plenty of 12s. Progress.

My back feels firmer. My collarbone is more visible, though it pretty much always has been. I don’t have a six pack but my waistline is getting smaller. That’s going to need the most work.

My thighs are alien to me. I honestly sometimes look at my legs, baffled that they’re mine, after hating them for such a long time. Short skirts and shorts are in my future.

My arms have always been small but feel taut.  My hips still feel.. doughy, but I imagine I’ll work on them in time.  I might might MIGHT wear a two piece swimsuit again without wanting to die inside.

And I’ve always been small. I know I’m not some elephant. But a lot of it is in your own head most of the time, and if I’m feeling more confident, that’s pretty huge for me.

I feel.. optimistic. Hopeful. A running theme for 2012.