I don’t have a lot to say and yet I have a lot to say, pals. There’s a lot going on as always, and my head is always full, but there’s not a lot I can just publicly unload here. I’d love to unload.. and the times I get with close friends where I feel I can say anything, I clam up and I either completely undersell everything as no big deal, or I just don’t want to talk about me any more.

I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong. You know when you get to that point as an adult where you’re always second guessing every decision you make? I hate it when I see others who so obviously do not have their shit together, because I’m so used to having my shit together and I want everyone else to feel on top of it, but I just don’t feel on top of it right now. Between work, home, health, family.. it all feels like it’s unravelling.

I love journalling privately, and I have been doing a bit of that, and always talking to my husband, but I just don’t know what to say publicly. I feel like I am a writer, and I am a blogger and I am a sharer, but I have these periods where I just want to run away from sharing. And it’s not always about me, it’s often about others who don’t give permission to have their lives detailed online or for my thoughts about how things affect me to be on here. And sometimes life is just private and to be kept between those you love.




The gist of it is that I just feel.. stressed and like that stress is seeping into everything: making me sick, making me tired, making me cranky, making me awkward, making everything suck. And I know some things that will fix it, but it’s just not that easy to fix.  I just have to take things as they come and try not to let everything overwhelm me.

(There are great online forums to talk your shit out, y’all.  Seek ’em out. There are some pretty amazing strangers in this world.)

We have 4 weeks til our Italian honeymoon and I think that is helping to hold me together just now. After it? I’m not sure. I need to find a focus point; I need a way of calming and controlling my life again. And I think getting a plan in place is the only way.  I am a master planner.

No comments required, no sympathy wanted..!  Just unloading.





Progress and confidence


I feel a bit like I wrote my last post and it got a bit deep so I then dropped the mic and ran away. But hello! I am here.


And holy cow, it’s basically the end of February.  I knew 2015 would go by fast but it is disappearing in the blink of an eye. Tomorrow is 4 weeks until we fly to New Zealand and I suddenly feel the time crunch of it all – so much to do before the big day, but I know we’ll get there.



I’ve said it before, but I’ve had a bit of wedding dress body stress, and that has changed quite a lot since I last wrote about it.  My first dress fitting went really well, and the seamstress was fantastic and helpful and so, so cheap!  I almost fell off my bed when she told me how cheap it was going to be, and she had some excellent suggestions for amendments if I didn’t meet my fitness goals by the final fitting. I’ve got 11 days until the next fitting, but I’m feeling pretty happy with where I’m at so far. I’m still about 15-20lbs over where I (in a perfect world) thought I’d be on my wedding day, and about 25lbs over where I’d ideally like to be (which is actually lighter than I’ve been in geez, probably 15 years, so I’m just being pretty ambitious here), but since September I’ve lost nearly a stone (14lbs/6.5kg) and this year alone I’ve lost 8lbs, so I’m pretty stoked with that.



I know we’re all about not focusing on weight loss these days as a society, and accepting ourselves as we are, and I applaud that. But this to me was never about people thinking I was hot, or having a flat stomach, or buying into anything I’ve been told. It’s always been about my confidence level, and fitting into my clothes, and feeling healthy and strong.



The key to it for me has been diet (though yoga has been wonderfully beneficial as well) – once I started eating right, the cravings for stuff stopped, the self-control grew (like, I can have chocolate next to me and not eat the entire block, which a while ago was tough work) and I’ve become pretty obsessed with Nakd bars and stuff.  A huge help I’ve found has been not eating much at night/stopping eating before about 7pm – even when I’ve had an unhealthy day (cause, not gonna lie, there has been some fast food), I’ve managed to keep the weight loss going.

I also do a bit of 6:1/the occasional 5:2 and find that helpful too.  Not that common, though.  And more work to do!



Ultimately, it has been a huge boost to my confidence and to my happiness.  I still weigh so much more than I did 5 years ago, but my stomach is so much smaller, my thighs are awesome and I just feel good about my body for the first time in a long time.  Also, the yoga has contributed hugely to my mental health – my stress and anger levels have been pretty high over the last year, but they’re getting better.



I hope you’re all well and good!  I have some more posts planned for the next wee bit, so I’ll be back soon – especially to share some amazing shots I got while travelling last week.  And I’ve got my Edinburgh hen this weekend – super excited!





The future’s not ours to see


Stress and anxiety can make you do very strange things.


I’m not sure how it affects others, but it makes me a pretty annoying person to live with. I don’t really function well when I’m anxious and it manifests itself both mentally and physically.



Instead of being one of those (lucky) people who run and box and throw themselves into something, I hibernate. Or at least I want to. Bed, duvet, sulking, brain racing, totally hating myself and everything around me.  Usually what I am anxious about is totally out of my control, and in other situations I have been able to talk myself into being positive and not stressing about it, but often i just want to run and hide.  And lie down.  I refuse to do anything active because what’s the point everything is stressful gah.



I know this is entirely immature, and not very productive, and I try to fight against it. I hate it when I have a big decision to make and I just shut down, or I know that I need to stay positive and stop freaking out about something, but it takes over my every thought.  D always says “It’ll be fine”, in that very reassuring way, and he is usually right, but. But but.  I can’t tweet and I can’t think clearly and I just want the world to go away until I know what’s going to happen.



You see, we’re trying to buy a house. And my body seems to have reacted to this news by forcing me to sit on the couch with a blanket and watch episode after episode of Grey’s Anatomy, while eating countless Mars bar icecreams and fidgeting.  I have a list as long as my arm and album work to finish off and so many posts left unwritten, but I just want nothing else than to stop time and watch these stupid doctors all sleep with each other and operate on each other and OMG Grey’s is even more ridiculous when you watch one after the other.



I just want this to be done and I want the stress to be gone and I just want my house. Can I just have my house?



So yes, unproductive. And stressful. I apologise for the absence and the rambling and this strange insight into my twitchy brain.  I shall be calm soon. And I have a lot to say in the next few weeks including (oh the irony) some more How To Be Happy posts.  Because I am happy. Most of the time.

Watch this space.