Milestones

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Billie turned 5 today.

Tonight I sat down with my family and watched the end of a documentary about Flight 93 – the plane in 9/11 that was supposed to crash into Washington but was forced down into a field by its passengers overpowering their captors.

I watched how at the end the faces of the passengers flashed up. I kept watching – I don’t know these people, but I wanted to see their pictures. See who they were.

4 years ago today I was in hospital. I was close to death. At this point I was probably less than 2 hours from it. Then I chose to have a lumbar puncture and got my correct treatment. I remember being placed in my bed thinking, “Why have they put me in bed with my jeans on?”

I had no idea at the time that I could have died. It was an upsetting few months for everyone with everything happening around the world and in our family. It made us realise how precious life is.

And what I thought would take a few weeks of recovery took at least a year. I still have so many issues.

4 years later there is so much weight; this is such an important day. Not only is my niece now 5 years old and September 11th something that can be talked about without high panic and emotion.. I’m alive. I’m 21. I made it here. I’m going to see the next 21.

It makes me smile and cry at the same time. I am so grateful.

Diary of an insomniac

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It took me over 3.5 hours to get to sleep last night. I’m not someone who goes to sleep that quickly anyway, but that long? It was after 2am when I must have finally dozed off. 5 hours sleep is no fun.

I tried everything. I tried watching a little more of the X Files. Lay there a while. Then I tried reading a bit. Lay there a while. Then I finally decided to get up and go to the bathroom. Then lay quietly thinking. My asthma was playing up (which is rare) and my mind was racing.

So I finally lay down with a big pillow and cuddled it to me. Would the warmth make me feel better? Nope, I felt crushed. I lay on my back and that wasn’t comfortable. I tried both sides. Then my stomach, which finally gave me some comfort, but felt weird on my ribcage.

I also felt a mix of hungry and nauseous. I hate that feeling. I usually get it when I have a flight or exam in the morning. But today I have nothing. Nothing but Wednesday.

And I’m literally falling asleep at my desk.