6 years ago today.



6 years ago today I went for a drink with a man I was just starting to know.  He had floppy hair and a lot of 90s t-shirts, baggy jeans and an inexplicable love for cricket.



He has become the most important person in my day, the best part of my life. He is my support, my comfort, my home. He makes me laugh when I really don’t think I can, stops me crying when I feel like I can’t stop. He stands behind my decisions, laughs at my mistakes, teases me relentlessly.



He loves me for me. Pushes me when I need to be pushed, listens when I just want to rant.



He is my best friend in this world, and I can’t imagine being without him.



I am so proud of his accomplishments and of the life we are building together. I can’t wait to be his wife.





30 memories, 5 years


my lovely


1.  Meeting him on the steps of Wellywood House, baubles hanging from his ears, tinsel around his neck.  I was swearing madly at Andy while wearing a pretty pink dress.

2.  Falling asleep on his shoulder later that night/early the next morning.


before I made him cut his hair!


3.  Seeing him again a month later and meeting for drinks with Andy.  Kissing him and seeing him smile.  Asking him to be patient while I sorted out my feelings for another, and him just… agreeing.  [Photo above from that very night! Lookit that floppy hair!]

4.  Our first dinner date at an Italian restaurant where I talked incessantly and he nodded patiently.



5.  Saying we loved each other on the balcony at Molly Malone’s on St. Patrick’s Day.  Yes.  We probably had this paint on our face at the time.



6.  Meeting my family for the first time at Easter lunch.



7.  Sitting up at Mt. Victoria lookout talking about what we would do after he left.



8.  Months of long-distance Skyping and falling asleep together (or halfway through talking, such as the above!).



9.  Finally seeing him again in September 2008, after 4.5 months apart.  We met at Heathrow, after I went completely the wrong way at the airport!  Spending time in London together…



10.  Meeting friends in London together.




11.  My first visit to Scotland/meeting his family.


Dave at Urquhart Castle

12.  Travels to Inverness and cruising on Loch Ness.



13. Saying goodbye again but planning to move.

14. “How is it stealing a kiss when they all belong to you anyway?”


Visa stuff

15. Moving in with Mum and Dad while saving and preparing for my visa.



16.  Receiving my visa super early and booking flights!  [See geeky video above, if it works…]


Our first dinner together


17. After 6 months apart, arriving a day early to surprise him and being collected by Ann.  I’ll never forget Dave’s face as he came in the door from work to find me on the couch!



18.  Finding our first (super tiny) home together!

19.  Waking up every day together.



20.  Travelling to Canada for Will and Megan’s wedding and then spending time in Seattle together.



21.  My first ever super snowy, white winter and Christmas.



22.  Permanent job for me, contract for D…



23.  Home to New Zealand for my brother’s wedding.



24.  Losing our prospective jobs but supporting each other; toughing it out.



25.  Moving into our 2nd (and current) home together.

26.  Spending all of our nights at the movies, as that’s all we can afford.



27.  Our first Europe trip to Barcelona together [gratefully subsidised by Dave’s mother].



28.  Getting the car and an even more mobile life!



29.  Dave is officially sworn in as a Constable.



30.   And our life of shift patterns/sleeping/spending lots of evenings and mornings just cosied up together begins.

Happy 5th Anniversary, baby.  Here’s to many more years.


The Waiting Game


How foolish I was growing up.  I really thought that when I was a “serious musician” and “struggling for my art”, I would make ends meet and live on barely any food and travel from place to place and it would be the most wonderful life.

I now realise I would have hated it. Hated it.  How could I have wished for poverty, mess and disorder in my life?  How could someone like me cope with that? It’d be the worst thing I ever did.

Don’t get me wrong, I love performing. I love travelling. I would tour across the US living in a van.  I can “rough it”.  But I’d have some money in my pocket.  And maybe it’s age now, that makes me shudder to think of living with nothing, but there is also just too much pretty in the world; too many experiences that you miss without a little cashflow.

Coming home from living overseas at 19 to realise that I now had to figure real shit out was scary.  I had debt up to my eyeballs (well, for a 19 year old without a degree to show for it!), no job, nowhere to live and that ridiculous confidence you have when you’re that age and think life is about to do something amazing for you.  I soon realised that hard work was in my future and over the last 9 years have seen that dreams can come true in some ways, but not in others.  Money comes and goes, and you will be rich sometimes, and then very, very poor.

I used to tease Dave (and still do sometimes) about how I “moved to Scotland for [him]”, and before I left had paid off my debt.  After weeks without work in Edinburgh (and then a trip to Canada) I had nearly half of it back.  A year in, I had all of it back.

But you truck on.  It’s hardly Dave’s fault that we’ve never been the wealthiest of people.  And it’s not mine, either.  I moved to Scotland in the midst of a recession, and I moved for love.  It wasn’t opportunistic “OE” time, or “let’s save loads of money and go travelling!” time.  It was, “shit.  I can’t be without this person.” And so it was.

I started temping, then moved into a longer-term low paid role, which I enjoyed but struggled with.  I was promoted and given a little more, but even with the exchange rate, and lower cost of living, my salary was still £5k/year less than what I was earning in New Zealand before I left, and it was hard for me to push myself to get out and about.  My focus was also on buying my piano, on our upcoming trip to Canada for a friend’s wedding, and on the bills that were starting to mount up.  Dave had a job that he enjoyed and stuck with until last September when he was made redundant, and it was paid at a very similar pay rate.  It’s only now that I am on a higher salary and Dave is (nearly.. nearly..) going to be paid a decent wage.

We’re nearly 3 years in.  We’ve spent a lot of time getting settled and establishing our life here and solidifying our relationship.  And now we’re going to have a little room to breathe in the bank account and settling down for the long haul.  So I am trying to imagine our life a little differently.

The relief, I imagine, will be enormous. There’s just something so ingrained within me – I just cannot miss a bill.

Call it being “raised right”, call it paranoia or a sense of responsibility, but I pay everything. On time.  Always.  I am the spreadsheet girl who has everything budgeted, knows when everything is due, and makes sure that we can cover it. Somehow.  Even if we eat packet noodles and make poor excuses for missing everything.

Unfortunately, this does occasionally bring with it a small drawback when you have nothing.  Coming to the (thankfully, hopefully) end of 6 months on one income, not having the cash in the bank can give me sleepless nights.  And of course, Dave not stressing about it makes me more stressy.  He is just a little more laidback about these things (well, apart from the not having a job bit).  But I try to remember two things, every time I stress.

1)  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
For us, sadly, we’re still waiting for a letter to confirm that this light is shining at us.  Bureaucracy and the *coughNZgovernmentcough* are still holding up a few bits and pieces, but hopefully in the next week or two, everything will fall into place.

2)  In your twenties, you are supposed to be pretty poor, as you sort out your life. (Unless you are very skilled, or very lucky).
Obviously this is a wide generalisation.  But this decade is that time in your life where you work out what the hell you’re going to do with it, and after you finish studying (or if like me, you don’t!), it could take some time to work out where you go from there, and how you’re going to pay your bills.  
Depending on your education, job, living situation, marital situation, etc, it could be a very tough time, or a fairly easy time.  Personally, I know many people who have “lucked into” the right job, married the right person, or chose the degree that was useful just at that right time to boost them somewhat in their career despite the recession, and live fabulous lives. 

I could be jealous of those friends. But I choose not to be.  I’ve lived the life I have, they’ve lived the life they have.  They’ve had money, I’ve had none. They’ve had pain, I’ve had pain. They’ve had love, I’ve had love. 

I have had amazing, brilliant, beautiful, spellbinding, agonising, irreplaceable love.

And while I hate talking about all this (because it is embarrassing to admit when you are poor), and although I have mentioned it in passing, I have put off posting about it for a long time.  But today I need to say it.  I’ve been really fucking poor.  It has been really fucking hard

But I have also been really fucking happy.

Christmas Wish


Warning: This post may make even the most romantic person sick.

Last Christmas eve, I was in my apartment alone, as Andy was with his family, and I was working too early on Christmas Day to go home and see my own. I sat on my balcony with a cup of tea and felt utterly miserable and alone. And I went to bed.

This year, surprisingly, I felt the same. I was in a house full of people, but my 4am shift on Christmas Day had forced me to bed early, and I was missing out on the Christmas Eve togetherness that was happening downstairs. And I really, really missed Dave.
You see, while I am totally grateful for the lovely things my friends and family have bestowed on me this year (from homemade calendars from Sarah-Rose and my sister, to a photo keyring from my sister’s in-laws, to House S4 from Ma, to Dave’s thoughtful wee bag of gifts), I only had one real wish, and that was to have my Dave.

He was feeling it, too, on the phone. It seemed strange and foreign to me, and yet completely insane, as I have had 24 Christmases without him so far. How can a year of having someone in your life change everything?

But the idea that next year, I will be with him for Christmas, (with hopefully our respective families), in our own flat, is an exciting thought.
Add to that the fact that I won’t have to feel this feeling anymore: this constant empty feeling like something important is missing; that sinking feeling of sadness when I wake up without him. 
That is the best Christmas present I could ask for.