On bodies.

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Well hello.  Prepare yourself for a lot of motivational stuff. Because I’m going to come back and look at this post whenever I need to.

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I need to admit something.

I hate my body.

Whomp, there it is.

tumblr_mpawl8s8tr1s6mp4qo1_500I’m not going to put any pictures up on this post to illustrate what exactly I don’t like, but. I hate it. I’ve never hated it so much before.

 

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I saw a photo of myself last week where I genuinely thought to myself – That’s the “before” shot on my “weight loss triumph” tumblr post.  I was genuinely dismayed.  I’ve been lying to myself for quite a long time that it wasn’t that bad.  It’s kinda bad.

I kinda like… my shoulders and arms. And my face.  And my boobs are okay.  Then from the knees down – not bad. Everything else? meh.

 

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I try to tell myself that my body is strong, functioning, worthwhile and has so much use, but I struggle most days to see it. I look for the most comfortable dress to put over leggings and hide everything I can.  And I’ve spent several months focusing on the positives like my hair and getting really comfortable with my own face in the mirror (hello, pretty lady!), which I thought would help with body positivity, but stress has lead to me just ignoring any consequences and eating, well, anything in sight.

 

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I’m not writing this post to receive a bunch of comments telling me my body is fine.  I appreciate the sentiment and the love behind it, but it’s not helpful, so please don’t.  I don’t need to hear that I’m fine the way I am or that I am not “fat” or big enough to worry.  Please don’t negate my feelings.  I also don’t need advice on how you think I should fix it: I have a lot of such knowledge already.  I collect such knowledge (nerd).  I am writing this to tell you my true and angsty feelings, here.  I am so hard on myself.  I make myself feel like too much of a failure.

We’re all too hard on ourselves.

 

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I want to be thin and fit again. Feel lean and strong.  I want to feel confident when I get dressed every day.  We all hear so much day-to-day about how the media/patriarchy/people around us have brainwashed us into believing skinny is good, and I understand why I feel this pressure to be smaller and how I got this idea into my brain, but that doesn’t help me suddenly like what I look like.  And it’s not like the vanity aspect is the whole issue – I am not particularly healthy.  And I no longer fit 80% of my wardrobe (with any comfort), which kinda scares me.

I have never been this big.  And it’s not overall curviness, it’s genuine… pudge due to my terrible diet, mostly around my stomach.  I live in fear of someone asking me when I’m “due”.  I cannot sit down in jeans without throwing something across my stomach or hoping my baggy top (also rather unflattering) will hide it.  I tilt my head like a crazy person to try and be okay with photos of me, and embarrassingly, have started to hide from photos.  All (full-length) photos of me lately have made me want to cry a little.

dont-youever-giveupIt’s really easy to tell everyone how to lose weight.  Calories out vs. calories in, right?  I know sticking to a set routine is what works for me and that at 5’2″, I hold onto weight pretty well and show every single new kilogram.  I know what my weaknesses and failings are.  And I know that outside factors have played a huge part in all of this – working 2 jobs for 3 months, getting the album finished, buying a house… these are all to blame.  They are wonderful experiences (except maybe the 2 jobs thing), but they have lead to a lot of binge-eating (often without even realising until much later).

 

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But.  The point of this post is that while I feel this way, I want to be better. I will be better.  This is only temporary.  And I know I need to be kinder to myself – we all slip and fail sometimes.  Many of us have woken from a stress-addled haze 6 months later to realise a change needs to be made, and most of us have looked in the mirror at some point and hated ourselves.  It just can’t be every day anymore.

 

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And my internal monologue will definitely need to change.  Hating a problem doesn’t fix it, it only makes me miserable. Onwards and upwards.

 

So, I pledge to you:

– I will be kind to myself and tell myself I can achieve what I want to achieve

– I will take genuine steps to manage my stress better and not let life overwhelm me

– I will take small steps back to eating the healthy diet I used to eat

– I will start (slowly) re-establishing my fitness routine

– I will not weigh myself, but judge how I feel in my clothes

– I will not strive to achieve a goal by a set time (though my 30th birthday would be nice!), but aim to make the daily changes that lead me to my goals and change my lifestyle

– I will not lament how slow things change – you cannot put anything off as it “will take so long” as that time will pass by anyway

– I will celebrate my achievements, no matter how small

– I will love my body again.

 

 

…xxx

siggrey

 

 

 

PS:  If you like motivational crap (I post it mostly for me), my tumblr is http://omgeverything.tumblr.com.