"Well… my life is never boring?"

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So yesterday was interesting.

I made the ill-fated decision to park my car on the street outside work instead of scrounging for money to pay for the carpark. Little did I know that 2 hours later, poor Suzie would be involved in a 3 car pile-up, simply by being there.

After hearing about an accident in one of the streets outside the building, I didn’t think for a second that it involved me somehow. Imagine my shock and disbelief when a co-worker informed me that my car had been smashed into while I was sitting about 200 metres away, at my desk.

The police were very helpful and kind, and I gave them all the details they needed. I was in a state of shock for a while. It’s really hard to comprehend and believe that someone has hit your car without you even being in it.

After I’d cleared out my car and my mother had come to get me, we spoke to my father to make sure that the insurance company had been called and that it would all work out ok. They towed poor Suz away, with large chunks gone from the right rear corner and other pieces hanging precariously off.

The biggest problem at the moment is the pain of being dependent on others to get anywhere. And not reaching a few friends who live in places that buses go to about 3 times A DAY. At least my weekend is busy already, and I don’t need to drive to do anything. Phew. But tonight, when I’m bored crazy and there’s nothing on TV? It bites not being able to drive to the video store.

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Where I’m meant to be

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Every now and then I go into a complete panic about my career. Everyone seems to think I’ve done pretty well and that I’m going to be fine, but if you look at my resume, the last real work I had was August 2004. The last theatre I did was 2003, and that was as vocal coach, not involved. The last show I performed in was 2001.

I have no formal acting training. I have no degree of any kind, which drives my parents up the wall. From 2000 – 2003 I had some regular work in a few TV shows, but the studio making it packed up and moved to Australia, then moved back to Wellington and started making a show with no one over 16 involved at all.

My CV looks wordy, but none of it is really in the last 2, 3 years. Enter PANIC MODE. Failure mode. Nervous as hell mode.

My agent started getting concerned about a month back. She didn’t want to let me go, but she was concerned that in my age group, I am slipping down the pecking order, as I have the least training out of those she has available, and nothing recent on my CV.

I know I’m not putting myself out there enough. I’m not auditioning for Circa or Bats or Downstage or any of the other theatre companies. I didn’t send a tape to What Now!. I haven’t put myself forward for extra work for any of the Peter Jackson epics. Part of the problem is my full time job. Part of the problem is my desperation to clear my debt and save some money. Part of it is that I’m a wuss. A very fussy wuss.

I explained to her that I am in the process of recording my EP. I am singing for a hard house duo on their album, which is due for commercial release before winter, I believe.
I have been asked to model in a hair show in August. I am also involved in a short film for a friend this weekend (in a very small role), which is supposed to be shown at a high profile event.

Nothing else is really happening. And despite my occasional panic attack, I don’t really mind.

As an actor, I like to really become a character. I study a character and really get into what makes them work. But I hate most of the ponsy acting workshops I have attended. Stanislavski and other techniques that I studied in highschool make me roll my eyes. I don’t feel that I’m better than anyone else, or above learning these things, but I just feel that acting should be real. And that knowing myself, I know how to produce these emotions and reactions. I might completely suck. But I work hard.

I just wish some good work would come along to audition for. I definitely can’t sit around waiting for things to come to me. I may not have Toi Whakaari training or been on Shortland St yet, but it doesn’t mean that I won’t study. That I won’t still do well.

When I was much younger I thought I’d be in New York at 18, with a big recording contract or broadway part by 20. Now that I’m past both of those ages, I don’t really stress. I know that this is what I want to do and that music is my main focus at this point. I know that if I’m good enough and work hard enough, I should be able to go far.

I just need to be patient. And keep working. I feel like this is where I’m meant to be.

Conversations with myself

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I don’t usually like doing mundane tasks like photocopying and binding. It’s not that I feel it’s beneath me, as my admin position is hardly at the top of the food chain, but it makes me feel like I’m doing work that someone else could easily do for themselves.

This morning, however, I took on the small task of photocopying and binding 2 contracts for one of the managers. Maybe it was because I was bored and wanting to avoid other work, maybe it was because I felt a bit guilty that I was sitting at work reading X Files fanfic, or maybe it was just because I like him.

The binding machines are in a training room which is only accessible via swipe key. My key gets in everywhere, so I often go to the systems room or training area to hide away and get some thinking done. This morning on the way up there, I ran into the delivery boy (well when I say boy I really mean man, but he’s not that much older than I) for our catering company. He’s very attractive, and always smiley. Our old assistant used to insist that he had the hots for me, but I’m never too sure about these things, despite knowing all about body language and signals. Let’s just say – I get a bit blind when it comes to myself.

I have a horrible habit of imagining conversations.. thinking of how things would go if they occurred. And because my life as of late has been so boring, they’re usually a little nutty. Today’s example:

DELIVERY BOY GUY
Let me take you to dinner.

KAT
Based on what, my looks?

DELIVERY GUY
Well, that and your personality.

KAT
You don’t know my personality.

DELIVERY GUY
You’re always friendly..

KAT
That’s my job.

DELIVERY GUY
Buh.. uh..

KAT
I’m also moody. I’m creative, so I’m always working on ideas. I write a lot of music. I spend a LOT of time alone. I have a very unhealthy obsession with the X Files and watch it constantly. If I’m not watching it I’m making music videos or reading sites. I can be volatile. I’m patient but can be demanding. I get very insecure. I’m not very trusting of men. I’ve been hurt a lot. I’m OCD. And a control freak.

DELIVERY GUY
Buh-uh-.. forget it.

And you folks wonder why I’m single.

Yours sincerely..

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Dear tall & demanding but pretty work lady,

It really is my top priority every single day to make sure you have enough plunger coffee. I am more than happy to stop processing customer letters, even though I am in the middle of a file, to go upstairs and help bring on your caffeine-injected early death.

Regards,
Kat

Dear Seinfeld:

I know you are in cohorts with my DVD player to never let me sleep. But I’d really appreciate it tonight if you malfunctioned at 10.30pm or so to force me to actually lie down.

Cheers,
Kat

Dear Valentine’s Day,

You suck.

Go away,
Kat

Attn all florists:

Please deliver flowers, chocolates, naked men, etc, to home addresses. If I have to deliver one more bouquet of roses to a gushing employee, I’m worried that I’ll be sick in the next plant.

Ta,
Kat

Dear Love,

I’m not unhappy with you. It’s not your problem. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I know. I know. It’s ok.

Want to go for coffee?

xxx
Kat

First big laugh I’ve had in ages.

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KAT
Is this your invoice?

B
Yeah.

I turn to leave.

B
(looking at my back, my shirt is sheer) Hey, is that a tattoo?

KAT
Huh? No, I don’t have any tattoos.

B
Really? You seem like one of those tattoos girls.

KAT
“One of those tattoos girls?” ..Ok..?

B
You don’t want one?

KAT
Well maybe sometime, but not yet.

B
No big rose on your breast?

KAT
Ha.

Later today passing back by..

KAT
Why am I one of those “tattoo” girls?

B
I dunno. You just look like one of those tattoo girls. You seem like you’d have a tattoo on your butt or something.

KAT
On my butt? I look like a “girl who has a tattoo on her butt”? what, like a nice girl with a dodgy butt tattoo?

B
(laughs) Yeah. No really. You ever been to Mexico?

KAT
Mexico? (laughs) No. I wanted to, though.

B
Well that’s what I mean..

KAT
What, that I’m the kind of girl who’s nice but goes to Tijuana and does something stupid?

B
(laughs) Well yeah.

KAT
(laughing) Thanks, buddy.

Crazy texans.

And now I hide my head in shame.

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I thought I’d share some embarrassing celebrity moments. You know, just to make you all feel better when you finally meet Paris Hilton and she doesn’t call you hot.

Maria from Sesame Street:
I was in the US working at a camp in upstate NY. Part of your camp duty was that you were rostered on to different jobs around camp a few nights a week, and towards the end of the summer I was rostered on to work in the canteen with a few of the Australians. We were serving pizza and icecream and it was also Visiting weekend, so we were serving the parents as well.

I noticed a familiar woman waiting in line. I nudged one of the guys:

KAT
Isn’t that Maria from Sesame Street?

MARK
Yeah. Her oldest kid goes here.

KAT
Cool!

I moved over to another window and handed out some pizza and when I came back to the middle window, Maria was standing in front of me. She smiled and asked for strawberry.

KAT
Oooh hi.

MARIA
Hello..?

KAT
You taught me the alphabet!

MARIA
…..

Greg Page (director):
I fell asleep on his set. I’d been up til 3am the night before in a right state, crying and such, and by the end of the filming day I just couldn’t stay awake. I believe my mouth hung open, too. He said he didn’t want to wake me. I was so embarrassed. That’s true proof of how messed up I felt before my partner left the country – I let it affect my work like that.

Bernadette Peters:
After I loitered around the stage door before the show, not daring to go near her (even though she was out there talking to a fan and I would have been much more coherent), I waited til after the show to try and meet her and get a picture. She’s only my idol and all. I’d only travelled right across the world to get to NYC/Broadway to see her in a show. (Oh if only I’d prepared myself). I believe it went something like this…

KAT
Bernadette!

BERNADETTE
Hello.

KAT
I’m from New Zealand. I love you. I want to do Broadway- *breaks down into sobs*

WOMAN BEHIND ME
She’s only been standing out here crying for 15 minutes.

BERNADETTE
Oh, er..

KAT
Um. Can I get a picture?

BERNADETTE
Well, sure-

Kat turns awkwardly and points. Amy shoots. Bernadette moves on.

Wow, the professionalism. I guess everyone is a fangirl sometimes.