I’m not sure what reminded me of her tonight. It could have been an email, the songs that I know she loves that were playing, or just the fact that I still have her as a livejournal friend, 2 years after her death.

I just miss Lacy tonight.
I started re-reading her entries after thinking about her, and realising that I hadn’t thought about her much since her death. Bizarre to think of it being over 2 years ago, and horribly unfair still that she’s gone.
Lacy died at 21 from Ewing’s Carcinoma. She was incredibly vibrant, passionate, talented and so much fun. We were going to go to RENT together in NYC on my 2006 US trip, but she died 3 weeks before I was due to leave. When I went to the show, the seat next to me was oddly empty, in a full auditorium. And no, I didn’t buy the ticket.
I can’t listen to RENT without thinking of her.  Lacy, you were amazing and so full of life, and I still treasure your journal entries. It’s so unfair that you’re gone. The world is much less cooler without you in it.
Cancer sucks. She always said it made her stronger, and more grateful, and made her live life differently. But it still sucks.
Excerpts from her journal..:
“…I should be at a loss for words. This whole thing just makes me angry. I have never outright hated something so much as I do this disease. I hate it with all of my soul… It hurts and it hates and it doesn’t discriminate and there is no getting around it. If your cells decide to turn on you, they do, and I hate it! No one deserves this disease, no matter what kind of person they are.”

Ewing’s Sarcoma is a bitch, and I hate it, but it’s also one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. It’s made me appreciate life so much more, and made me [a] stronger person. I know that I can overcome anything placed in front of me. I’m petrified, no doubt. But it’s not going to stop me from living life to the fullest.”

Well then. Huh.


Life.. life continues to stump me. Mere hours after my last post, about the happiness of my day, my mother bursts into my apartment to tell me that my auntie has passed away. I’m holding plates in both hands from the dishwasher, and I just look at her and wave them around, blinking. I hug her with plates in my hands. I don’t know what to say.

The week has been tough so far. The service is Friday.

I’ve had someone die every 6 months or so for the last.. I’m losing track of years. I can’t stand it. It sucks.

But for some reason, life continues to chug on around me. I continue to work ridiculous days, get chores done, plan for my UK trip in 4 weeks. Some things are on auto-pilot.

But there are those times when I’m alone, and I’m just flabbergasted. Blown away. Who could have seen this coming? We were so sure it was, and then she was good, and then she was gone…

It also seems more and more definite lately that I’m going to be packing up my life again next year and moving to Scotland. I couldn’t have seen that coming, either. My life has become impossible to predict, and slightly ludicrous at times.

At the moment, I’m just rolling with it.

Forever is tomorrow is today


Rachel started babysitting us when I was 7 years old. She must have been about 19.

She became a hairdresser, working for several salons in Lower Hutt and Wellington, and took my sister under her wing, staying friends with her as we grew up.

She’d come over every 4-6 weeks or so and cut my Dad’s hair. She coloured and cut mine many times. She coloured and cut hair for my mother and sister every month.

She had a baby girl about 3 years ago, and called her Lexie. She had two major relationships. Married once to her teenage boyfriend, then later on in life got serious with George.

She’s always had skin cancers, always had them removed, had treatment.

But about 6 or so months ago, they couldn’t treat them just by removal any more. She started chemo and radiation. Mum would drive her to her appointments.

She still called, still came and did Dad’s hair when she felt well enough. She refused to believe that she would lose the fight.

Four-five weeks ago the cancer went to her brain. Two weeks ago she went into hospice care.

Yesterday, she lost the fight.



Dear Lord.

It’d be really swell if we could go 6 months without someone else dying. I’d also really love this job I’ve been preparing so hard for, and to finally find someone to have a healthy relationship with.

2007 so far hasn’t been so great. Can we wipe January out of the books?