No.

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So casting came and went, and I was very kindly told I was unsuccessful for the show. I received some good feedback that it was a difficult decision for them, which I appreciated, but it was still a huge disappointment. I gave myself some time to get over that feeling, and to decide whether to do the show or not (I really wanted a role and am not keen on the ensemble sections of Sweeney) and I think my feelings might get in the way of my dedication, if that makes sense. The shows with this company take 6 months of hard work rehearsing twice a week, which you throw your heart and soul into… and I just wouldn’t be into it.

For me it feels like the 3rd time I’ve missed out on roles I’ve dreamed of playing… and ironically, it’s been the same girl. I love her to death, she’s gorgeous and very talented, but I’m just… tired. I spend so much time worrying about others and worrying about being humble and being a good person that I think I’d like to spend some time trying to promote myself and push myself. I think I’d rather spend those 6 months focussing a large chunk of my energy on my own music, which I do not do enough of at all.

RENT broke me a little bit. I’d spent over half of my life singing those songs, dreaming of playing those parts, and the idea of doing it just blew my mind. I stuck with it and the ensemble for the first time, and was kindly given some extra bits and pieces to do, after others had pulled out. But Sweeney has no extra bits and pieces, no time to shine, and as awful as it sounds, I think I’d feel just rubbish knowing that I could be doing more. I finally feel I have a bit of my confidence back and I know I have the talent. I’m sorry I ever doubted it before.

So watch this space. There’ll be gigs, new songs, new recordings and hey, maybe I’ll find another show to be in.

I have a lot of writing to do.

Tra la la la la la!

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So last night, on a diet-coke-fuelled bender, I spent about 4 hours lying awake thinking about how thoroughly awesome it would be to actually be cast in a lead role for next year’s Sweeney Todd and then going around and around and around and fighting myself over not “getting excited” or “hoping too much”, as the initial disappointment I felt with RENT was well, a bit much.

I also have this stupid way of being crazy superstitious when it comes to auditions, with my mother and I always not talking about it afterwards in case we “jinx it” (even though I relive it and analyse every second of it internally, over and over and over), and adding that to my mantra from my father that I have always chanted:

“If I get it, I get it, I don’t, I don’t.”

Which seems thoroughly sensible, but at the same time, slightly infuriating. I know I am talented enough to play a few of these roles, but I am nervous about the competition as well as amateur-theatre-company-political-bollocks.

Bollocks aside, I am truly hopeful that on Saturday we will get a cast list with my name on it, and I won’t want to scream and cry and throw things at having missed out on the opportunity. My stomach does flippy-flops and I stop breathing when I imagine being able to do it, and not be “girl 3rd from the right, 2nd row from the front” again.

So everyone pray, hope, think good thoughts, send up happy balloons, push prayer notes into the Western Wall, cross their fingers and toes and just well, be prepared to console and pick me up when the inevitable happens next Saturday.

That is all. Spit spot.