I’ve started this post about 10 times but I think I’ve just been awash with work since coming back.

To fill you in, the day after my last post, after I booked to go into the dentist, my condition worsened greatly.  I had a streaming nose, a headache and the toothache just seemed to intensify by the hour. There was no sleeping going on, a lot of painkillers being taken and quite a bit of crying happening.  I felt so helpless to relieve the pain and the more sleepless hours I had, the more difficult it became to cope.



Sunday morning I phoned NHS24 and then the Lothian Dental Advice service, and got myself an appointment for the emergency dentist.  It says a lot about the pain I was in that I couldn’t bring myself to wait any longer. I was going to jump head-on into one of my worst fears – one of the worst situations for me to get myself into.

When I phoned and organised the appointment, I mentioned my fears. I have a problem, however, with saying this without tears, which is kinda funny in retrospect. I mean, I could right now, but I had this ridiculous problem where I would choke whenever I tried to express that I was scared.

They got the point.

I believe she put a note on my file, because when I went into the room (Dave in tow, bless him), they were unbelievably kind and gentle with me, and explained absolutely everything as they went, and while I felt like a small child in that chair that day, I appreciated it so much.



They explained that the crown had broken on the wisdom tooth, and that it was badly infected and needed to be extracted.  After it was pulled she explained that there was “communication” into the sinus cavity, and that was why I had a runny nose and headache, and an awful taste in my mouth.

I was told to rest, not to lie flat, to take ibuprofen and decongestants and was given high-dose antibiotics.  I went to bed.

For a week.



I spent some time on the couch, but mostly I was in bed, sleeping for around 3 hours at a time, sitting propped up, counting the hours between each drug intake.  The pain in my tooth (or where it was, rather) lasted barely any time at all, but the sinus infection raged like crazy through me.  The headache was almost unbearable at times, I was weak and dizzy and so tired, but the worst was the infection coming into my nose and mouth.  I wasn’t allowed to blow my nose, only to wipe if needed, and honestly. I’ve had meningitis. I’ve had pneumonia.  Hell, I’ve had vestibular neuronitis.  All of them were more pleasant than this.  I don’t want to gross y’all out, but it was like having bin juice in my nose and mouth. Or pus-y water. Or something.  It was downright disgusting and after a few days it became seriously depressing.



Despite the joy of eating as much icecream as I could, I spent quite a bit of time crying.  Then I spent quite a bit of time chastising myself for crying.  But I just desperately needed sleep and relief from the pain and the.. discharge.  Once it finally did start to ease and I felt human again, I vowed to never again take for granted not being in pain. I’m typing this right now, pain-free, and I’m so grateful.



And the main positive out of all this? (because I am nothing if not disgustingly positive), I went to my new dentist on the Wednesday, and I wasn’t scared.  I lay in the chair and felt like most other dentist-goers, feeling nervous but not terrified. And despite the fact that my other upper wisdom tooth needs to be pulled in a few weeks? the rest of my teeth are fine.  Like, honestly. Who goes 10 years without a dentist and gets no fillings? I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.



Once I was up and moving again, I put my effort into improving my immune system, yet again.  Vitamins and manuka honey and sleeping at a reasonable hour and getting back into exercise. I’d stopped running because my shoes were terribly unsupportive, so I got myself some new shoes. They’re kinda like running on air.

Oh and I refinanced my debt, which is going to save me like £500.  And I sold some stuff and upgraded my iPad.  That has given me a wee happy boost.



We’ve also had some good times with family lately – Dave’s brother and his wee family are moving back to NZ in September so we’ve tried to get together a bit lately.  Dave’s brother turned 40 and then wee Imogen turned 4, so we’ve had a few celebrations.



And the weather has been pretty good to us, too.  So I’m trying to put that week behind me and focus on the now.

I’m also now the world’s most obsessive teeth-cleaner.







The future’s not ours to see


Stress and anxiety can make you do very strange things.


I’m not sure how it affects others, but it makes me a pretty annoying person to live with. I don’t really function well when I’m anxious and it manifests itself both mentally and physically.



Instead of being one of those (lucky) people who run and box and throw themselves into something, I hibernate. Or at least I want to. Bed, duvet, sulking, brain racing, totally hating myself and everything around me.  Usually what I am anxious about is totally out of my control, and in other situations I have been able to talk myself into being positive and not stressing about it, but often i just want to run and hide.  And lie down.  I refuse to do anything active because what’s the point everything is stressful gah.



I know this is entirely immature, and not very productive, and I try to fight against it. I hate it when I have a big decision to make and I just shut down, or I know that I need to stay positive and stop freaking out about something, but it takes over my every thought.  D always says “It’ll be fine”, in that very reassuring way, and he is usually right, but. But but.  I can’t tweet and I can’t think clearly and I just want the world to go away until I know what’s going to happen.



You see, we’re trying to buy a house. And my body seems to have reacted to this news by forcing me to sit on the couch with a blanket and watch episode after episode of Grey’s Anatomy, while eating countless Mars bar icecreams and fidgeting.  I have a list as long as my arm and album work to finish off and so many posts left unwritten, but I just want nothing else than to stop time and watch these stupid doctors all sleep with each other and operate on each other and OMG Grey’s is even more ridiculous when you watch one after the other.



I just want this to be done and I want the stress to be gone and I just want my house. Can I just have my house?



So yes, unproductive. And stressful. I apologise for the absence and the rambling and this strange insight into my twitchy brain.  I shall be calm soon. And I have a lot to say in the next few weeks including (oh the irony) some more How To Be Happy posts.  Because I am happy. Most of the time.

Watch this space.





Buzz buzz.


Yeesh, I am a busy bee just now.



Between completing a large project for my new job (which no, I’m not doing yet – I’m doing the work of 2 people just now!) and album planning/rehearsing and just generally trying to live my life, I’m knackered.  I can cope with it but it requires some juggling of my life and I need to force myself to sleep sometimes.  I’ve had late nights every night for nearly 2 weeks and it’s starting to wear on me a wee bit (and I’m probably not that fun to hang out with lately!).

The new photo on my sidebar to the right was captioned “Sometimes I can’t imagine being blonde again” on Instagram and yes that is so damn true these days.   The below picture is after I visited a Blow Bar in London and wow, I am converted.  Having your hair washed, dried and then set into the style you choose for £25/under 30 minutes? Sold.  I couldn’t afford to do it too often, but luckily they’re not really in Edinburgh yet.  It’d be great for a special occasion/night out with friends.  Londoners, get to it!



But yes, I’m loving my hair these days.  Despite the fact that I need to dye my eyebrows (I was using pencils/shadow for a while but this is so much easier!) and have darker eyelashes (extensions are a huge help) to make the change in my colouring completely work (as my eyelashes and eyebrows are naturally very light blonde), I am loving this dark red-brown I’ve been rocking for a while now.  It looks so pretty when curled, it shines more, it makes my features stand out more, and I’m feeling a lot more confident about my appearance.  Well.  From the neck up.

From the neck down, things aren’t so peachy.  I still kinda hate my body these days.  It’s such a negative way of thinking, which goes against my life philosophy, but ugh, I need to carry on making those changes to get where I want to be.

I haven’t gone in completely the wrong direction or anything, but I feel like that’s because of the 3 weeks of serious working out I did before the last 2 weeks of not working out.  So I’ll be back to my regime next week.  Less work stress, etc., will help.  I know for others it’s ideal to go and get that work stress out at the gym, but after a tough day I just want to go home and lie around and eat icecream.  Not helpful.  Someone magic the gym-lust into me?  Routine routine routine.



In other news, it is still bloody winter.  It’s not snowing up here like it is in London (well, today), but we have sunny day/cold day/cold day/sunny day/super cold day… just now and I just. want. spring.



I’d love to lighten up on a few layers and start having dinner in the garden again.  I love snow but gosh the sooner I get some warmth the better.

Which leads me to… Majorca! Yes!  Dave and I are actually going to have a holiday. Together! I know!  I know I mentioned it in my last post, but I’m really excited.  2.5 weeks until we head off for a real break together.

Other than that, I’m deep into album planning and rehearsing with David who will be playing guitar and bass, and Keith who will be adding some drums.  It’s probably going to take more than the 2 days I currently have booked, but I’m hoping for us to be as rehearsed as possible by May when it all kicks off.  Have you pre-ordered?  Not long left on the campaign!

And I’ll be 29 soon. Which will be fun.  I’m one of those weirdos who enjoys getting older because I felt old at 22 (meningitis-induced fatigue, different lifestyle choices to others, etc), and it’s nice for the number to catch up to the Nana-like behaviour.  I don’t really care what others think, but it’s a hell of a lot easier to explain not wanting to drink/not wanting to stay out really late at 29 or 30 than it was at 22, believe me.  Well for me, anyway.  Those of you who are still party animals in your late 20s/30s/40s?  I salute you.



And speaking of not wanting to stay out late, I have a Hen Do this weekend which I am half excited about/half dreading. I’m not great with new people/situations (anxiety, panic attacks, etc), but I’m particularly not great with being in an arrangement where I am staying somewhere away from home, not entirely sure of the plan and not entirely sure how I’m getting home, etc, from planned “nights out”.   I just… I feel better when I have a (totally unnecessary) escape route, you know?  If it was a series of events all in my own city, where I could rely on my own transport to get back to my own house, I’d be calmer, for sure.

My anxiety sure has been rearing its ugly head a lot lately.

It’ll be great, I know, and it’s totally all in my head, I know, and the people will be lovely, I know, but y’know?  Those platitudes aren’t so great when anxiety is not something under my control.  I’m not worried the weekend will be too much for me, because I know a lot of people going on it who are wonderful and I care a lot about the bride but I’m still having anxiety about it.

But.  It’ll be so great to celebrate my friend’s upcoming wedding.  It is obviously not about me in the slightest and I imagine we will have fun.  Apart from the whole wearing a swimsuit in front of strangers thing.  Ick.



More posts soon!




Sometimes too much is too much and I just get overwhelmed and everything collapses in on itself. I lose it. Sometimes for a few hours, sometimes a few days. Everything seems hopeless and I just feel unbearably sad and lost and uncomfortable.

I’ll be okay tomorrow. I’ve learned to live with random bouts of depression and anxiety. I just wish I could time them better or know how to really explain them.

I’m so cliche.