I’m gonna be honest. This has been a tough year so far.
I’ve not been avoiding blogging because I didn’t want to talk about it. I just didn’t know quite what to say.
Apart from my marriage, most other parts of my life haven’t been going so well. Work has not been a positive place to be for a very long time, but I’ve been stuck for quite a few reasons. I’m basically biding my time there and weighing my options. My debt is the worst it’s ever been and it’s terrifying and crushing even thinking about spending any money. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever weighed, which I can live with, but it’s affecting my health.. and my health has been a nightmare.
We are working to sell the house and of course have taken far too long to get that ball rolling so we’re now panicking our way through decluttering, cleaning, and painting. At least selling the house will fix the debt issue.
I officially have hypothyroidism, which is honestly quite a relief after a year of Crohn’s testing and struggling with lots of little health issues which all now make a lot more sense when you realise that a vital part of your body – glands that regulate almost everything – is broken. I’m medicated for that now and obviously it is extremely manageable and not life-changing or life-threatening, but it still sucks. I feel sluggish and clouded and dopey at times and waking up takes forever and I’m always cold and I look at food and gain weight and it increases my anxiety and depression but it’s not cancer, you know? There are bigger problems people are dealing with. Hell, I have bigger problems – I can deal with this. And I’ve always had some sort of health issue so it’s no surprise, and with my busted immune system, you kinda expect it from me really.
So I’m not the most positive right now, and to be honest, I’ve been putting on a happy face for quite a long time. I do have happy moments and silly moments and I’m still trying to power through – I think the only way I can do that is by staying as positive as I can as often as I can, though that is tough sometimes.
The anxiety is quite rough, and I’m thinking of talking to someone about it. It’s not just stress from so many areas of my life – I can’t remember the last time I felt really relaxed. I cry at the drop of a hat, lately.
There are other private issues thrown in there that I don’t want to put out there, but yeah. I have been struggling. But I am here and I am getting shit done and all of it is being improved in small steps and soon? Soon the clouds will clear.