I feel like I’m spending all of my time counting lately.
93 days til we fly to NZ
109 days til the wedding
30 days of yoga
1250 calories a day
One of the first things to point out is it’s no news to me how long it’s been since I’ve been here. I know, I know. There’s been periods of great unhappiness and periods of great happiness, and I haven’t had the time or inclination to be writing (and it shouldn’t be a chore).
But I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on the year and reflecting on me and my life and what I’m looking for lately, and I find that friendship has been coming up as a theme a lot in the last few months. I’ve put a lot into new and old friendships, and I’m a bit flawed in that I’m terribly loyal and a bit overenthusiastic and I think it puts folks off. No one likes it when you’re needy. (I’m just keen, I guess). I also have pretty high standards and I think I’ve been trying to reach a balance in nurturing relationships with the right people. I was talking with a work friend on Friday night about how friendships shouldn’t feel like hard work, and if it feels like it’s hard work and that they make you feel guilty, bad, unhappy, awkward, unloved.. then maybe it’s time to step back. So I’ve done that a bit this year. With mixed results, but it’s been good for my sanity. I’ve noticed others have stepped away from me, too.
There’s an awful lot we don’t say outloud in life, and don’t like to say to each other – but we think it and mull over it and stress over it, and well, it does me no favours. I think the people you can just be yourself around are the people that you should hold onto. I catch myself trying too hard to be what others like and want from me, sometimes. But if I take the time to be selfish and ask for something from others, I don’t always get it. I’ve also been learning that as soon as I realise that a social media account I follow or a person I spend time with makes me feel uncomfortable or gives me negative feelings (on multiple occasions), then I need to unfollow or walk away, so I’ve been doing that a bit too.
Why do we keep hanging on/sticking by stuff that makes us feel bad about ourselves/life/the world? It’s such a waste of time. Why aren’t we all choosing more often to just be happy?
But back to counting. I’ve been counting calories, counting my weight and measurements, counting the days until everything coming up in my life (and there is a LOT), counting my pennies… it’s all about tracking at the moment. My sleep, my temperature (BBT charting, because, well, yes), my food intake.. I’m kinda looking forward to Christmas so I can let all of that go for a few days.
The weight loss worked brilliantly, and then didn’t. It’s amazing how it can completely reverse when you let the control go for a few days. So I’m back to trying, as always. I have a dress fitting in 25 days, though, and I don’t how I’m gonna fit it, but we shall see! I’m working on it, and I’ll have a post about yoga coming up very soon, because I took on a challenge to do it every day and now I can’t see myself without it.
I dyed my hair a lighter red that I love in preparation for the wedding, and I cleared out old/small clothes, and I threw out or sold stuff I don’t need- I’ve been having a clear-out overall. Physically and emotionally.
I also want to post and write about the wedding in general, because it is coming up so quickly. We’re having a much smaller guest list than anticipated, so I’m looking forward to it being an intimate day. And it means that a few friends we didn’t think we’d be able to invite have been asked along, and extra family.
And then there’s work. It’s hard to write anything publicly, but a lot of weird things went on at work this year and I’ve been re-evaluating what I want for a long time. I’m hoping 2015 brings some clarity and I can work on a path.
Anyhoo, that’s a lot for one post, and geez, all a bit vague. But hi! I’m alive; I’m exhausted and completely emotionally and physically burned out, but I’m here. And gosh, what a year.