On disappointment


It’s been several months since I wrote this post about my feelings on my body. I’d like to say a lot has changed, but it really hasn’t.


canal edinburgh


Christmas/the holidays brought with them the requisite amount of eating, and then Hogmanay brought me to the conclusion that I’d start 30 in the best shape I could be.


me kat pensive


But Brigadoon happened, and you’d think all the dancing and extra activity woulda helped. Nope. And then I tried to return to the gym and put my back out. And I think I’ve emotionally and mentally just given up.


blossoms spring edinburgh


I can’t say I’m not disappointed that I’m going to be 30 in a few weeks and I’m in the worst shape of my life.  I can’t say I don’t think about it almost constantly.  I can’t say that I’m not worried about what my mother will say when she sees me (she means well, but).

I can say that I want to change. That I want to make the small changes. That I do believe it’s possible. But I can’t do too much at once and run away again.


clouds road winter


And I honestly think it needs to be a priority. I need to make me a priority.


clouds sun spring


So I’ll try and keep the blog updated on my progress over 2014 but I just wanted to check in and share. I’m not happy, but I will be.  I’m staying positive. And I have so much to look forward to in the next 6 weeks.  I am so much more than what I look like.


me kat couch selfie


I like who I am inside (well, most of the time), and that’s the most important.  And I need to stop being such a dick to myself.  I tell myself negative things every day when I really need to be saying to myself, “Okay. This is where you’re at. And this is where you’ll be next year. No rush. Don’t panic. You’re awesome. You can do it.”

People are dicks enough to you without you being a dick to yourself. I should be my best supporter, my biggest cheerleader, a good friend to myself. There’s no way in hell I’d let the people I love feel and say these things about themselves, but I do it to myself every day? I need to change.

It’s okay to be disappointed. But it’s better if you just get up and try.





2 thoughts on “On disappointment

  1. What a wonderful post you’ve written! I am in a very similar spot right now, recently turned 30, bought a house, living in a different country, and in my case recently got married. I had fallen into a bit of a funk around my birthday which was completely unexpected because I had never previously cared about age at all. I’m slowly digging my way out and making more time for myself again after the many changes and stressors the last 6 months have brought. Anyway, you are not alone and I wish you the best in finding a new equilibrium.

    PS, not sure how I ended up on your blog, but I’ve really enjoyed reading it in the last few months. All the best!

    • Hi thanks for coming by and thanks for commenting!

      It’s tough, isn’t it. I got into a funk when I turned 25 and then decided I didn’t care how old I was, I cared how happy I was. So I try and aim for that. I know it’s an up and down thing but I just want to feel content as much as I can!

      We’re getting married next year so that’s one of my aims – to get fit by then! But I also know not to be too hard on myself.

      Thanks again for coming by and I hope ya stick around.

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