I have a lot of thoughts but nothing coherent enough for a post on one topic, so this will just be a bit of a stream of consciousness.
I’m not sure where my blogging love-yet-fear stems from, or why I try to keep posts half-done until I feel they are written the way I wish them to be, when I should just be writing.
At the moment we are 2 weeks away from moving into our first home, and while it’s not our first living space together, as we’ve been renting together for over 4.5 years, it’s the first one we can really call our own. I was so excited and ready and then my parents panicked about the financial realities of it all, and it did fill me with a wee bit of panic. But I am back to some of my calm today – we know what we are getting into, and we can manage it, and everything will work out fine. I’m baking a bit and baking brings out feelings.
I live in this constant balance of knowing what a big deal this is but at the same time telling myself it’s not that big a deal because everyone does it eventually and it’s the best financial decision right now, as gosh, despite some initial costs it’s a lower/more sensible monthly outlay than any of our rental options and we’ve committed to being here in Scotland.
And speaking of commitments, the time is coming soon to decide whether I apply to get my Indefinite Leave to Remain (i.e. I can live in the UK forevs) or whether I simply extend my Ancestry Visa. I have no idea what to do. I was totally for the ILR and then realised that I don’t need to have the right to stay indefinitely, because our ultimate goal is still to move back to New Zealand, and it costs so much more. But at the same time, if I don’t do that, and simply extend for £500 less, what happens if something causes us to end up staying here longer than another 5 years and I have to do it then, anyway?
But at the same time, I definitely do not want to be here 10 years. I want to be here another 3. Tops. And we have planned for that. So what’s the harm in extending?
But if I don’t just extend and I do get ILR, I can apply for citizenship a year after that, and get a passport.
But do I really want citizenship? The passport would be handy, but are we coming back? And our kids will have it through Dave anyhow. And citizenship is another £800+ to pay, only 12 months after paying £1400+ for the ILR. And if I get ILR and don’t decide to get citizenship and we move home, after 2 years of absence my ILR is invalid, anyway.
Like, seriously. Life decisions and citizenship decisions and locational problems and geez. I’m such a bore, right? I always try to remind myself that some people would love to have these problems! I’m so lucky for where I am and what I have.
In other thoughts, my show is going brilliantly so far (well, what we’ve put together) and I am enjoying the company and the production team and I look forward to rehearsals and am completely buzzing afterwards, and wow, I can’t remember the last time I felt that way. I’ve been performing for over 20 years now. I’ve loved the theatre companies I’ve worked with over the last 5-10 years but sometimes they give you a feeling of YOU’RE HERE TO WORK and you’re NOT TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY! rather than isn’t it awesome, we’ll be putting on an amazing show and let’s make it happen the best way we can. I really feel that appreciating and rewarding your cast gets the best out of them, not guilting them into working hard for you because they just should cause aren’t you lucky to be here?
I mean, we’re serious about it, and working hard, but in amateur theatre we’re all doing it because we want to, not because we’re being paid to, and other companies sometimes make you feel like you should be grateful to even be there rather than we really appreciate you being a part of this! Well at least in my experience.
So. Next week we do a full read/sing and principal rehearsals start November 10th. Can’t wait.
And in final thoughts, it’s getting cold. Let’s hope our new place doesn’t cost too much to heat! And no snow til December, thanks. I love it and all, but I don’t fancy moving in a snowstorm/on streets that haven’t been cleared and gritted.
Write again soon.