I think it is partly influenced by all the blogs I read but I am having a lot of baby dreams lately. I am either in a garden with a happy, fat, squishy baby, or in bed waiting for Dave to come and feel a kick in my pregnant belly, or a rocking chair with a small, wide-eyed child.
I always wake up feeling so sad and like something is missing.
I know it’s not for everyone, but I truly feel I will be incomplete until I have my children and have all these moments as I become a mother. And I know it’s a biological, evolutionary ingrained thing for me to yearn and long and dream of babies, but some (read: most) days I just want to have a little one in my arms.
I know so much about pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting it’s slightly frightening (for one without children). Partly this is because I have three nieces, and have been hands-on and involved since they were born, but partly it kinda makes sense to me in a way to do so. If you are wanting a career and aiming and planning to do and be something (and have a learning mind like mine), you research. Dave has researched not only the Police in general, but our local force. I have lived in, been confused by, and studied the entertainment industry most of my life. I have researched HR, Training and Digital careers and practices because I have had roles involving all of these things. So I find myself naturally gravitating towards parenting/”Mommy” blogs and websites like Kveller (Jewish parenting) and articles about slings. I mean, seriously.
But I know somewhere in my heart and soul that I am meant to do this, to be this, and feel (and hope) that I will be really rather good at it. It does not frighten me at all. I know it will be scary at times and so very very hard, but I also know I will take so much joy and pleasure out of it, even the crying and the nappies and the sleeplessness. (I am so used to sleeplessness). And I imagine when others rush to go back to work from maternity leave, I will be thinking of when my next baby will be and how on earth will I manage more than one?
But for now, despite all of this longing, I will ignore it and enjoy what I hope will be my last years of being selfish, of sleeping in, drinking and going out late. Of movies and concerts, plays and parties. Of travel and living according to my own schedule.
Because while I want to (and will do) all of those things, it obviously will be harder. I hate it when people tell you your life is over when you have kids, because it’s just. not. true. Life is more complicated, on a different schedule, and it’s a big crazy ride, but you can do whatever you want to do and go wherever you want to go. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. A new adventure begins and you just have to do things another way.
It’s going to be amazing.