Hope.

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Well we’re two weeks in, but so far 2012 is pretty awesome.

I kept saying last year that things had to change, and that 2012 had to be good for us, and so far we have had some really excellent developments. I’m being optimistic and hopeful that it continues.

Hope is a marvellous thing. Hope carries you through when you have nothing else, and when you’re scared that nothing you dream can possibly come true.  From 19th December, we had hope that Dave’s new job opportunity was closer and closer, and then when we had the date for his final interview (January 12th), everything worked towards it.  Suddenly things were happening.

And it feels different, too. We are not different people, but we have tried to form different habits and break bad ones. We have been better at keeping the house in order, I have been better at being creative and following through, and the life I want to be living is not just a possibility, but what we do day to day. Simple things like planning my work outfits, putting different workout schedules in place, planning my work day better, changing things that don’t work. And I’m carrying my moleskines around, using soundcloud to record ideas, and dedicating time to write.

I’ve got a list of lovely things, simple things that we need to make our home more.. homely. More us. One of our hopeful purchases for April is a new sofa, as our futon is great, and suits us for guests, but not having a comfy couch in the living room means we just don’t spend any time in there.  Dave sits in his alcove, I sit in or on the bed, and we never live in our living space.

I am clearing out clothes, shoes and things. I don’t need to keep everything. I will not wear that again, no matter how much I tell myself I might. I don’t need to keep the alarm clock that doesn’t work, just because I have a sentimental attachment to it. I hate those damn uncomfortable shoes.  The clearing out has been really cathartic. We just have so much crap. We don’t need all of this crap. We’ll buy new crap, but some room needs to be made. (Our paperwork still really needs to get in order, though. I was so good at filing it! and then I got lazy..)

Investigating car options has been exciting, and if Dave was successful we were thinking of buying a cheap used car on a payment plan. I’d take it to work, Dave’d take it to cricket, and during police training, I’d collect him from Tulliallan on Fridays and drop him back on Sundays. And we could take wee trips.

And then, Ann, Dave’s mother, offered us her car when she upgrades in April/May. Holy crap! Things like that just didn’t happen in 2011. 2011 sucked things away for us and bankrupted us both. 2012 gives us a car?  It has its problems, but nothing major, but it has space for cricket bats and pianos and all the other exciting things we need it for.  It’ll also come in handy for when my bestie and her adorable husband come to visit us in early May. Seriously looking forward to this!  It’s been a long time since we’ve had visitors and quite a while since I’ve seen Sarah-Rose, obviously, so it’s exciting stuff. We’re planning small trips and places in town we want to show them.

We had hope and plans for new things and some travel and some breathing space in the bank account for once. We had hope for wiping debt and going out for dinner every now and then and making our lives easier. We had hope that Dave would get into the career he wanted and even though that meant I would stay here longer than I ever planned to, that we would be set up for our future by giving him the experience he needs and us some financial stability.  My uncertainty about living in Scotland for such a long time was something I let drop away; I knew then, as I know now, that I love Dave and us enough (and funnily, Scotland enough) to stay.

Because I only have to look over at him as he cracks a smile at the book he is reading, or dances around as he cooks dinner, or come home to a clean house or a cup of tea or a bath run to know that I love him more than I thought I could. I love him more all the time. He surprises me more all the time. And I am so very, very happy. Staying here with him is a no-brainer.

So it’s lucky they said yes, right? It’s lucky they said they want him, and 2012 said, “Here. Stop freaking out.  Stop panicking. You’re going to have a new life.”  Because once that is all confirmed, our lives will change, we will struggle less, and things will just get better and better.

And that new hope is the best hope of all.

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