One of the biggest “lessons” that I want to try and learn and ingrain in myself this year is how to let go. One of my tattoo ideas (that I hope to get this year) involves these words.
I am terrible at this. I hang on to everything. And I don’t just mean everything bad that has happened in the last few years to me, but everything bad I have also said and done can replay in my head at times. For a long time.
I went through several periods (up and down in my bouts of depression) over the last few years where I felt very much that I wasn’t good enough. The talent I thought I was sure of had gone, the confidence in myself was gone, and the feeling that no one cared was hard to ignore, despite it being a ridiculous notion.
Now my confidence is back (with a vengeance), I’m finding it’s affecting me in another way, which is also negative in a sense. To be confident in oneself and one’s talents means that you can come across as arrogant, which is ingrained in me as a very, very bad thing, and is the last thing I want to be perceived as. I hate blowing my own trumpet and telling people I am awesome, and perceive this kind of showboating as a negative quality (I however have no problem with others doing this, just me!) so I keep fairly quiet. But this has cost me jobs, shows, and probably connections. I’m aiming to change this in 2012.
The facts are: I have a talent. I am a good songwriter. I am a good singer. I am an intelligent person with excellent skills. It is not bad to share these talents, explore them and use them to my advantage.
I also need to remember some very important things:
– Some people are just not going to like you. Professionally (my music) or personally (want my friendship).
– Creatives are weird. And I don’t just mean those I have encountered here in Edinburgh. Creatives are volatile, quirky and flimsy friends at times.
– Friends who do not make the effort may not be true friends after all. It can’t always be me reaching out. I take pride in being an incredibly loyal, selfless and loving friend. If they do not see this or want to be my friend, they don’t have to. It’s a little bit primary school, but hey. I am trying, I have tried, I will keep trying. I have lived here nearly 3 years now.
– Mistakes you have made in the past are there to be learned from and not dwelled on. There is no good to be gained from beating yourself up over what you have said and done years ago. Be your best self now.
– You’re not doing the project, get over it. If they don’t recognise your talent or involve you, it’s their decision to do that. Move on.
– You can’t control everything. How I wish I could. I feel so much better when I can.
– “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Thanks, Eleanor Roosevelt.