So casting came and went, and I was very kindly told I was unsuccessful for the show. I received some good feedback that it was a difficult decision for them, which I appreciated, but it was still a huge disappointment. I gave myself some time to get over that feeling, and to decide whether to do the show or not (I really wanted a role and am not keen on the ensemble sections of Sweeney) and I think my feelings might get in the way of my dedication, if that makes sense. The shows with this company take 6 months of hard work rehearsing twice a week, which you throw your heart and soul into… and I just wouldn’t be into it.

For me it feels like the 3rd time I’ve missed out on roles I’ve dreamed of playing… and ironically, it’s been the same girl. I love her to death, she’s gorgeous and very talented, but I’m just… tired. I spend so much time worrying about others and worrying about being humble and being a good person that I think I’d like to spend some time trying to promote myself and push myself. I think I’d rather spend those 6 months focussing a large chunk of my energy on my own music, which I do not do enough of at all.

RENT broke me a little bit. I’d spent over half of my life singing those songs, dreaming of playing those parts, and the idea of doing it just blew my mind. I stuck with it and the ensemble for the first time, and was kindly given some extra bits and pieces to do, after others had pulled out. But Sweeney has no extra bits and pieces, no time to shine, and as awful as it sounds, I think I’d feel just rubbish knowing that I could be doing more. I finally feel I have a bit of my confidence back and I know I have the talent. I’m sorry I ever doubted it before.

So watch this space. There’ll be gigs, new songs, new recordings and hey, maybe I’ll find another show to be in.

I have a lot of writing to do.

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