Something you’re not willing to give

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As I started to write this, my favourite song came on the iPod. I don’t know what to make of that – I guess it’s a little encouragement, as I haven’t posted much here recently.

There’s a lot happening right now. I’m working hard musically, but it never feels like work. Sometimes it can be draining as it’s like writing a diary. All disappointment, excitement, love, confusion, hurt and often sorrow come out in my lyrics. I try not to depress everyone, but my best stuff comes from heartbreak.

I’m sure we all have an outlet. Some of you have friends that you can spill everything to. Some of you write books, you confide in your partners, you paint, you write poetry. And it may surprise you, but I’m a fairly private person. As much as I share my life with the world at times, there’s an equal amount I don’t show or talk about. Most people know me for many years before I’ll cry in front of them. And it takes a long time for me to trust people enough to share my full self with.

I guess we all have trust issues of some sort. If we trusted everyone, we’d all get hurt too much. It’s hard to find a nice balance between being able to trust too easily and keeping everyone out. I’m scared one day I’ll become this odd recluse who only opens her door for the cats. But then I also know that people are too important to me.

I’ve learned to choose my friends carefully, but never shut anyone out unnecessarily. I’ve learned to see the good in everyone I meet, but not to let down my guard too soon. I’ve learned that not every man is worth trusting, but there are many that are.

I’m terrified to fall in love again. I think this happens to most people after a tough break-up, but I’m scared to completely let go. We’re bound to get hurt every once in a while, but it’s hard to step into the fire again when you’ve been burned badly before.

I’m not sure if I’m completely ready to take that leap yet, but I’m not hiding myself away. The best relationships are founded on friendship, and I plan on making new friends where I can. Maybe at some point this year I’ll meet someone who has been worth the hurt and the wait. Someone that doesn’t feel to me like settling for anything less than I deserve.

I just hope I don’t scare them away. They have a lot to live up to.

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