I hate auditions. Well I love auditions… once they’re over.
Yesterday I had an audition that I’d been dreading since the weekend. Don’t get me wrong, I love my work. I love auditioning and all the nerves that lead you up to it. I love the ID and talking to the casting agents. I love being on set. I love everything that comes with show business.
Just not bikini auditions.
I was so nervous yesterday. It’s so ridiculous – I work myself up into this state where I can’t focus on anything else. I’m a professional: I’m 11 years in.
But this was different. I can handle the standard audition: nerves come and make me excited and a little scared. I sing in the car to push the nerves out, I bounce around.. most casting agents will let you vent a little energy in the room, too, before you start a take. But auditioning only in my bikini?
I’m sure most of you would have a problem jumping around in two little pieces of fabric in front of 2 men, lots of light and 2 cameras. But I’m supposed to relax and go with it. I’m very good at ‘winging it’.. but it’s harder when you’re thinking about whether or not your stomach is wobbling.
Yesterday I was at my office job right up to the audition. I wasn’t really concentrating too well on my work….
Before yesterday’s audition:
My stomach was sore from worry and I had the shakes. This, coupled with my long nails, made typing difficult.
I had to write a note. I was shaking too hard. I had to clap my hands to snap them out of it.
I was edgy. Anything anyone asked of me made me flustered. I had plenty of time to get everything done, but I just felt panic.
I was dressed like a cowgirl. I had a black top with an open salmon pink shirt over it (with designs on it), jeans (the ones that slip down if you bend over) and my cowgirl boots. This would have been ideal had I been auditioning for McLeod’s Daughters. So I had to go home first.
I drove like a maniac home, then all the way into town. You didn’t want to get in my way.
Was embarrassing as hell, but as usual was over very fast.
After the audition:
I was calm.
I was bitching myself out for slipping up on one of the questions (I told them I had been in a commercial last year which may still be screening – BAD IDEA).
I realised I’d relaxed so much that I hadn’t watched my posture or stomach the entire time.
The 2nd guy was someone I had never worked with before. So now HE’S seen me in next to nothing.
I drove slowly.
I was completely red in the face.
It still amazes me that these things come up to stump me after all this time. I know I won’t get this role (no pessimism here, it’s just not me) and I knew that before I went in. But you go in anyway, so it looks like you’re active in the business. I feel very unsuccessful as of late, but these things take time. You unfortunately need the right role.
When I know that I’m unlikely for a role (lots of factors tell me this), I start to wonder why the audition happens, in the big scheme of things. Is this day of my life part of any greater purpose? Was I supposed to do this to face one of my fears of wearing next-to-nothing in a room of strangers?
It makes you wonder. You spend 7 hours tapping your feet and chewing almost through a pen beforehand.. then a lot of time criticising yourself afterwards, going over what you did wrong and what you could have done better.
When the bottom line is: they want something in particular. Whether or not you’re amazing doesn’t often factor into it.
If you get it, you get it, you don’t, you don’t. That’s my mantra in this industry. And most of the time, it keeps me sane.