The end

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Break-ups are never easy.

My relationship is over.

There it is, I’ve said it. I feel completely sick doing so, but it needs to be said (or typed, whatever). So there it is, it’s out there now.

And the worst thing about putting that out there, however, is that now you have to accept it.

It starts so beautifully.. you have this amazing relationship: a man who is a constant in your life for 4-5 years. Your best friend as well as partner. Someone you love to that blind stage where you couldn’t possibly imagine it ending. Where you picture the marriage and the babies and your name with theirs tacked on the end. Your friends can’t imagine you ever not being together. You do everything together. You talk for hours every night. Hate being apart. And then you think that soon you’ll be moving in together and taking it to that next level.. and suddenly he’s gone.

You’re not quite sure how it happened, really. There was a break and he left the country (or the other way around) and there was this constant hope of getting back together. He talked about it, you talked about it.. you both wanted it on and off. And he explained that though he loved you, he wasn’t really in love with you, especially not across an ocean.

There’s the crying-your-eyes-out-every-night stage, the angry stage, even the begging stage. There’s wanting nothing to do with him and then contacting him daily. There’s trying to forget him and not wanting to lose him.

Then you start to see that it’s over. He no longer wants you. You try to deny it to yourself for months and your friends just keep telling you – and when you finally get past the mucking around and realise that when he comes home, it’s not to you – there’s the crumble. Those last few bricks fall down.

So you start to rebuild. It takes a long time – brick by brick. And some days they don’t stick for long and they fall down again. But the construction continues.

And the more you tell yourself that he’s not coming back, the more it actually sinks in. And one more brick sticks in place. You consider trying to win him back, and you do your best to be who he fell in love with.

But it’s not you. And if you got him back, you know that it wouldn’t be the same. He’s hurt you too deep and you couldn’t let go.

So it’s the end. And the beginning. Brick by brick.

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