Breaking the silence.

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The quiet on the blog builds and builds until I just feel like I need to type.  My apologies for the delay. Things have been… tumultuous.

What’s happened in the last few weeks?

After settling back in after our rather rainy holiday (post on Cala d’Or with photos to come), I’ve been thrown head-first into my new job (while still doing my old one!).  It has been stressful and tiring and a juggling act.

I was put in charge of a large project while still technically employed in my old role and managed to get it together and pulled off and looking great on a very tight deadline, and then a manager from another department started picking (petty) holes in it and my team, despite the fact that when I began/completed the bulk of the work I wasn’t even being paid to do that job yet, and my new manager had only just started her role.

But.  It seems to have been resolved and I have less anxiety at the office and far less stomach knottage/tears threatening.

In other news, we are preparing for another holiday (insane to have no holidays for 9 months then 2 in such a short time) with my parents when they come over, which is super exciting.  They arrive in London 2 weeks tomorrow and we will be going down to meet them.  We’ll have a night there and then fly to Paris the next morning where we will collect the rental car and drive it down to Nevers/Decize to pick up our boat and start a week-long canal cruise through the Loire Valley!  Which sounds really posh compared to what holidays D and I usually go for/can afford.

After that week of jaunting about, we will return here to Edinburgh for a week to take them on small day trips and around the city.  They have been on a big Scotland tour before, around 7 years ago, but not with me so it should be fun to give them a bit of a tour.

Last week Bobby was laid to rest with a truly lovely service on a stunning spring day (above); his twin brother Tommy delivering one of the most beautiful eulogies I’ve ever heard.  Heart-breaking.

And with all of this stress and drama and exhaustion I just feel so very tired and headachey lately.  I just want to curl up and sleep for a week.  I’ve also taken to stress eating or not eating at all or eating just the worst food ever and I am not fitting any of my clothes.  Which makes me depressed.  Which makes it hard to eat right and exercise.  Which makes me depressed and negative, which is the opposite of how I want to be.

So.  I’ve tried to combat this feeling by being super productive or making changes to things that aren’t working for me – this week alone so far, I/we have:

- Quit my gym and joined a new one

- Cleaned out the bedroom

- Put several items of clothing in black bin bags for the charity shops and cleaned the other bags out of the shed

- Put my laptop out to pasture and moved the spare PC to be our “media PC”

- Picked out a new couch at IKEA and stocked up on frames/candles/kitchen stuff

 

This has helped my general feeling of ennui and with the sun shining so much I am definitely perking up.

 

And last but not least, the album.  Oh gosh.  I’ll need another post for that, but it has been intense and stressful and hopefully super rewarding.  The recording is done, so it’s time for mixing, and once that has been completed, we should have something great to work with.  Fingers crossed.

 

 

Coming soon:  Majorca, recording an album…

 

 

…xxx
siggrey

Twenty-Nine.

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When I was much younger (like lots of kids, thinking anything over 17 was so old), I always thought at this age everyone had such adult conversations about adult things and their lives were much more serious.

Sure, many of us are married/engaged or thinking about having our own families, but of course you don’t suddenly just become this super “together” person with mature, adult ideals just because you are a certain age or at certain stage in your life.  I’ve always felt older/more mature/more traditional than friends, and part of that was my bizarre showbiz childhood, part of it was illness.  But I’m still not 100% all together. And that’s okay.

I’ve been thinking lately, since turning 29, that I am super lucky and even though it feels like it took forever for my life to feel like it’s on the track I wanted, it has been totally worth it for the experience.  There are things I want to change and learn from and places to grow, but I am better for my experiences- the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Things I have learned in the last year:

- Though I don’t have any wrinkles yet, I need to be better with what I eat if I don’t want to gain a surprise 5-7kg out of nowhere (coughcough).

- We all need to be a little kinder to each other, especially on the internet.  I find my relationships with faraway friends are strained at times, and I take things a little too hard, and that is because we only have that text medium between us.  I’m learning to not be so sensitive when they probably didn’t mean it the way I read it.

- You can imagine and plan and ask for help with your dreams and sometimes it works out amazing.

- Holidays in the rain and days off just in bed with TV are still amazing if you’re with someone you love.

- Do small things to pamper yourself/improve your self esteem like get lash extensions or have brow shaping done – silly but I feel so much prettier these days.

- I don’t need all the clothes in the world. No really, I don’t! Amazing, I know.  I am getting rid of so much that I just don’t wear.  Some really needs to be sold (possibly on ASOS marketplace?) but otherwise I will just be giving stuff away.

For me this year I feel it’s okay to be ambitious and aim high and fail if I fail.  It’s so scary to fail but life is scary and I am so excited that soon one of my life goals will be accomplished and I will have an album I can be proud of and that is loved/celebrated, even if just by me and my friends and family.  It’ll be an achievement regardless of how well it sells or where it takes me.

Aiming for even bigger goals next year!

And yes, I had a lovely, if not cold/windy/rainy birthday in Majorca, with my favourite birthday present being the shoes above that D bought me in Cala d’Or (so so in love).

More pics from our holiday to come.

 

 

…xxx
siggrey

War.

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I’m not particularly coherent today, so this may be rambly.

You think it happens to other soldiers, to other people you’ve never seen before.  You don’t know their faces, you don’t know their names.

It’s always a tragedy, but it’s a tragedy you’re removed from.  You tell yourself it happens to other soldiers (and other policemen) because the thought of the people that you love, or the family of people you love, dying putting their lives on the line… is just too much.  I refuse to think about something happening to Dave.

The thought of someone you love being killed, gunned down, blown up… is too horrible to imagine.  And then the one soldier you know… you think that he will be the one who is safe because in the law of averages, the one person you know in all of the thousands can’t possibly die, right?

Especially when he’s only a TA.  But most TAs don’t sign themselves up to go to Afghanistan and have such passion for it.

Sadly, our friend Bobby did sign up. He did go to Afghan.  And despite only 5 months of service, he was killed there this week.  He was a friend, a brother, a son, and a funny, wonderful human being.

His family are fantastic.  Dave was the best man for his brother Will at his wedding in Canada 4 years ago, and I’ve never met a more tight knit group of siblings who genuinely love hanging out together and care a great deal for each other.

It’s so surreal.  We weren’t close to Bobby and this is not about my grief but this feeling of deep, terrible sadness for this family.  I can’t help but grieve.  They are amazing and they just don’t deserve this.  No one deserves this.

It breaks my heart.

 

 

 

…xxx
siggrey

Matcha by teapigs!

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Review time (don’t usually do these)!

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The lovely folks at teapigs contacted me and asked me to review their matcha green tea, and I agreed, with slight trepidation.  You see, I’m just not so sure about green tea.

I’ve always found it a bit bitter, but really wanted to like green tea, because of its many health benefits.  And it was because of this desire (and the fact that I’m trying to be healthy just now) that I decided to review it.

So!

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They sent me a cute little baggie of it (like receiving green cocaine in the mail!), with some info.  Apparently only 1/2 teaspoon of this bright green powder was enough for one mug of hot green tea, though it can also be added to juices and milk for a latte, etc!  Intriguing.

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It recommends a good swift mixing, and I did find that if I let it sit for a while the powder did sink to the bottom, so follow the instructions and mix it up well with a small bit of boiling water first before topping it up.

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It is very, well, green!  Surprisingly so.  And I was pleasantly surprised to see that one cup of teapig matcha is the same as drinking 15 cups of regular green tea.  I mean honestly!  That’s super impressive.

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And as for the taste?  Very smooth.  Very mild.  And not bitter or unpleasant at all.  I could see myself drinking this, maybe even with a little honey added.   So I recommend it!

The folks at teapigs have a newsletter where they feature news and the latest discounts  (you can sign up on the homepage) and are also social media gurus over on Facebook and Twitter.

Prices range from £25-£50, which seems rather steep I know, but you only use half a teaspoon at a time, so it shouldn’t run out too quick.

 
And as part of this review, I can offer my readers a wee treat – if you’re keen on trying it, you can get 15% off by using the code BLOGGERS12* at their site (www.teapigs.co.uk). 

 

Enjoy!

 

…xxx
siggrey
 

 

 
(*enter code at checkout. discount does not apply to gifts and cheeky deals as these are already discounted)

Shift life

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I thought it’d be harder than this.

But adjusting to living a shift life has been surprisingly simple.

I mean, I worked shifts so know the complexities of living life around them, but there was a bit of trepidation when it came to the point where the first shift schedules were being put together for Dave.  Warnings and rumours of the intensity of this job and this lifestyle ruining marriages and breaking up relationships made us both a bit… quizzical more than anything, really.  It’s a bit concerning, but at the same time, I knew we were strong enough to handle it.

And it’s a bit like going back to basics.  Post-illness, I live my life in a pretty simple way in that I just follow my body.  If I am tired, I sleep.  If I am hungry, I eat.  Obviously, I can’t nap at work, but the simplicity of it works well outside of the office.  If I need to lie down after work and have a nap, I will, and I’ll do the same on the weekend.  Yes, it means I miss some stuff, but I find it hard to disobey when the pull for sleep comes.

D was unsure how it would all work, I think.  I know his colleagues and superiors have given him some tips, but he didn’t have a set idea in mind of how it would all come together.  He’s not too fussed on that side of things, though. I’m the planner, he’s the “wait-and-see”-er.

And I have always slept in on weekends, even if D gets up and about.  I sometimes nap on afternoons when he does other things.  I’ve napped after work and before parties and even during a lunch break of a very trying day.  (I like sleep, okay?)

So one bonus that comes from his shift work? he now naps! hurray!

We nap together in the late afternoons if he is tired from a day shift, or still tired from the night before.  Or he comes home at 7am on a weekend and gets into bed with me and stays in bed.  So it’s a weird schedule, but it works brilliantly for me.

I thought it’d be harder, because I thought him leaving in the afternoon when I’m at work and not getting home at midnight would suck (it does, but not as much).  I thought him working all night while I slept would suck.  I thought him leaving at 5pm and not coming home until 3am would suck, as I wouldn’t see him for days.

And sometimes it feels like I don’t see him for days.  But that’s been okay.  I miss him more and everyone needs a little time alone, you know?

Here’s how our shift life kinda works:

Dave is on night shifts:  He leaves for work when I’m going to sleep.  I watch crappy TV and drift off, then he wakes me up for work when he comes in the door.  Or if it’s a weekend, he climbs in beside me and we go back to sleep.  Very easy.  The only downside to this shift is that he sleeps all day, so if it’s a weekend, we don’t do anything together until after 3pm or so.

Dave is on day shifts:  He gets home between 4-5pm, just like me.  We have dinner together, we may go to an early movie, or if it’s been a tough day, we may nap before dinner.  The downside to this shift is that we don’t go out at night (or if at a movie, we’re home by 8ish) because Dave gets up at 5:30am.  D finds this the toughest shift- getting up that early is a killer.

Dave is on “back” shifts:   This is surprisingly the hardest shift for me.  He leaves before I get home and gets home after I’ve gone to sleep, and on a weeknight this is only just after I’ve gone to sleep.  There’s something about being woken up an hour/90 minutes into a sleep that just jars you a little bit.  On weekends it’s not as bad, as it’s 3am or so when he is back, and I’m sometimes awake!  And I can sleep in the next day if needs be.  But I don’t feel like I see him as much.

But I think another important thing to note is that my/our social life doesn’t really suffer.  I do get to see him because I make time for him.  I stay up to talk to him or I make a point of focusing my energy on the time we do have.  Some weeks are definitely harder than others, but in other ways they are easier.  He’s not home for dinner?  I eat fish or a small meal that doesn’t require much effort.  He’s sleeping all day Saturday?  I plan my coffees/brunches/catch-ups with friends then.  I do default to working around him, which is fine by me.  If I’m asked out for dinner, etc, I check my calendar to see what shift D is on, and pick a day that he is working.

And luckily the shifts are in threes or fours – he only very occasionally works five days in a row.  So it’s do-able.

It’s not perfect, but it works for us, and gives me a nice balance of time together and time for myself.  I sometimes wonder if Dave gets enough time to himself, but I think he takes some video game time when I am sleeping, and meets cricket/police buddies for drinks when I am happy to stay home for a night in.

I’m so proud of him and what he does.  I’m just so glad this aspect hasn’t affected our lives.  I imagine with kids, it would be different/harder, but again, that’s just adapting.

And it’s so worth it.

 

…xxx

siggrey

Links of the Week

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103amStuff I enjoyed around the internets lately (all open in new tabs/windows)…

I love this blog about an atheist trying a variety of religions/visiting a lot of congregations and blogging her thoughts on the experience.  She has some really insightful moments.

A decent factual piece on Thatcher for once, to stop the hissy fits on both sides.

A group of pugs is called a “grumble”? Regardless of truth, that’s freaking adorable.

An old DesignSponge piece, but these floors are amazing.

Like babies? Like French Bulldogs? This may make your head explode.

17 kick-ass vintage women with tattoos. Babes.

This cow video is seriously surreal. It just gets weirder and weirder.

These Facebook-style Game of Thrones recaps are seriously amazing (warning: SPOILERS if you haven’t seen Season 3, Episode 2).

My friend Miles and his lovely cohorts at Zomblogalypse are fundraising for a feature film! The webseries is awesome, so donate what you can.

I’ve probably mentioned it many times before, but if you’re into podcasts, you should be listening to The Complete Guide to Everything. I’ve listened to them for years now (and now met them twice), and they’re well worth it.

I don’t have any kids, but this essay is brilliant for parents/parents-to-be.

I love the Bleubird blog and her Conversations With Birdie series – here’s Episode 3.

The World as 100 People.  Woah.

 

That’s enough for now, right?

 

…xxx
siggrey

Forward

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I actually want to cry a little bit.

On Wednesday my album campaign ended.  And despite being under target on Tuesday, fans and friends rallied, and overnight, I made it.

I made it!

I raised £1281 in 60 days to make my album.

I did it!

We did it!

And last night, after rehearsing with the guitarist/bassist for a bit, we had our first rehearsal with the drummer.

Holy hell.

What a lift.

I can’t wait.

I’m so excited now.

We did it!

You did it.

 

Thank you.  I can’t thank you enough. Just one more step forward.

 

…xxx
siggrey

On shul.

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Sometimes, in services, I try to imagine what an outsider might feel if they experienced it with me.  Am I so used to this that someone may find it really odd and hard to reconcile?

I picture my parents attending, totally confused, or atheist/agnostic friends approaching Judaism for the first time, attending out of curiousity more than anything.

For me, I’m always happy to attend a service of someone else’s religion.  I think it’s something to experience in your life, even if you don’t believe or you disagree with it, and I feel strong enough in my own personal convictions that I strongly doubt anyone would try/attempt to bring me around to neglecting mine in favour of theirs.  To be scared that someone will try to “convert you” is kinda silly, in my opinion.  We are all capable of saying no.  I do however, understand how uncomfortable that can be sometimes.  This wouldn’t happen in shul at any time, as we do not “recruit” or proselytise in Judaism, but I can understand that this is a huge part of the doctrine of some Christian denominations and it can make some feel uneasy.

I think our services are pretty mild and inoffensive, and despite the Hebrew singing and occasional Hebrew prayers, most of it is in English and fairly easy to follow.  Having attended Catholic school (and many masses), as well as Anglican church services many a time, I believe a Christian would feel comfortable with the words we use, despite the obvious distinct lack of Jesus.  And those of a Liberal leaning will hopefully feel comforted by the gender-inclusive language, the prayers for Israel and Palestinians, the participation by men and women in services, the talk of LGBT charities we support.

My Rabbi has such a stunning singing voice, I think he would have had a career out of it if he did not feel called to leadership in his religion.  It’s one of the aspects I think my mother would enjoy, and despite a lack of accompaniment, we sing cohesively most of the time.  Many have a part to play, from “dressing” and “undressing” the Torah scroll (taking off a ribbon and velvet covering, etc), to the honour of reading aloud from the Torah or the prophetic reading.  Someone has the duty of lifting the Torah for all to see, and then parading it around the congregation, in a celebratory fashion.

Afterwards there is a little wine and bread as we make kiddush, catch up and exchange gossip before parting ways for another month (our community is small and we have no synagogue to call our own, so use a community centre once a month).  It’s not as exciting, however, as the picture above, which is from one of our Passover seders.  Mainly we just stand around a table and catch-up before slowly all taking our leave.

It’s interesting to think of it as an outsider. It wasn’t that long ago that I was an outsider too.

 

Do you have a religion?  What are your services like?

 
 
…xxx
siggrey

Buzz buzz.

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Yeesh, I am a busy bee just now.

Between completing a large project for my new job (which no, I’m not doing yet – I’m doing the work of 2 people just now!) and album planning/rehearsing and just generally trying to live my life, I’m knackered.  I can cope with it but it requires some juggling of my life and I need to force myself to sleep sometimes.  I’ve had late nights every night for nearly 2 weeks and it’s starting to wear on me a wee bit (and I’m probably not that fun to hang out with lately!).

The new photo on my sidebar to the right was captioned “Sometimes I can’t imagine being blonde again” on Instagram and yes that is so damn true these days.   The below picture is after I visited a Blow Bar in London and wow, I am converted.  Having your hair washed, dried and then set into the style you choose for £25/under 30 minutes? Sold.  I couldn’t afford to do it too often, but luckily they’re not really in Edinburgh yet.  It’d be great for a special occasion/night out with friends.  Londoners, get to it!

But yes, I’m loving my hair these days.  Despite the fact that I need to dye my eyebrows (I was using pencils/shadow for a while but this is so much easier!) and have darker eyelashes (extensions are a huge help) to make the change in my colouring completely work (as my eyelashes and eyebrows are naturally very light blonde), I am loving this dark red-brown I’ve been rocking for a while now.  It looks so pretty when curled, it shines more, it makes my features stand out more, and I’m feeling a lot more confident about my appearance.  Well.  From the neck up.

From the neck down, things aren’t so peachy.  I still kinda hate my body these days.  It’s such a negative way of thinking, which goes against my life philosophy, but ugh, I need to carry on making those changes to get where I want to be.

I haven’t gone in completely the wrong direction or anything, but I feel like that’s because of the 3 weeks of serious working out I did before the last 2 weeks of not working out.  So I’ll be back to my regime next week.  Less work stress, etc., will help.  I know for others it’s ideal to go and get that work stress out at the gym, but after a tough day I just want to go home and lie around and eat icecream.  Not helpful.  Someone magic the gym-lust into me?  Routine routine routine.

In other news, it is still bloody winter.  It’s not snowing up here like it is in London (well, today), but we have sunny day/cold day/cold day/sunny day/super cold day… just now and I just. want. spring.

I’d love to lighten up on a few layers and start having dinner in the garden again.  I love snow but gosh the sooner I get some warmth the better.

Which leads me to… Majorca! Yes!  Dave and I are actually going to have a holiday. Together! I know!  I know I mentioned it in my last post, but I’m really excited.  2.5 weeks until we head off for a real break together.

Other than that, I’m deep into album planning and rehearsing with David who will be playing guitar and bass, and Keith who will be adding some drums.  It’s probably going to take more than the 2 days I currently have booked, but I’m hoping for us to be as rehearsed as possible by May when it all kicks off.  Have you pre-ordered?  Not long left on the campaign!

And I’ll be 29 soon. Which will be fun.  I’m one of those weirdos who enjoys getting older because I felt old at 22 (meningitis-induced fatigue, different lifestyle choices to others, etc), and it’s nice for the number to catch up to the Nana-like behaviour.  I don’t really care what others think, but it’s a hell of a lot easier to explain not wanting to drink/not wanting to stay out really late at 29 or 30 than it was at 22, believe me.  Well for me, anyway.  Those of you who are still party animals in your late 20s/30s/40s?  I salute you.

And speaking of not wanting to stay out late, I have a Hen Do this weekend which I am half excited about/half dreading. I’m not great with new people/situations (anxiety, panic attacks, etc), but I’m particularly not great with being in an arrangement where I am staying somewhere away from home, not entirely sure of the plan and not entirely sure how I’m getting home, etc, from planned “nights out”.   I just… I feel better when I have a (totally unnecessary) escape route, you know?  If it was a series of events all in my own city, where I could rely on my own transport to get back to my own house, I’d be calmer, for sure.

My anxiety sure has been rearing its ugly head a lot lately.

It’ll be great, I know, and it’s totally all in my head, I know, and the people will be lovely, I know, but y’know?  Those platitudes aren’t so great when anxiety is not something under my control.  I’m not worried the weekend will be too much for me, because I know a lot of people going on it who are wonderful and I care a lot about the bride but I’m still having anxiety about it.

But.  It’ll be so great to celebrate my friend’s upcoming wedding.  It is obviously not about me in the slightest and I imagine we will have fun.  Apart from the whole wearing a swimsuit in front of strangers thing.  Ick.

 

More posts soon!

 
…xxx
siggrey

Currently

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Sorry for the lack of blogging.  I have some stuff to blog about and drafts waiting, but I’m just so busy lately!  They will be written, I assure you.  But for now…

Watching:  I’ve really been enjoying Matthew Perry’s new show Go On, which is a great vehicle for him and an amusing mishmash of characters.  Dave and I are also still loving The Walking Dead, though they smush/squish/stomp on zombie heads far too often for my liking. Bleugh.  And we’re super excited about the return of Game of Thrones on Sunday.

Thinking about:  Our upcoming holiday!  I was finally able to put money my family gave us (that I spent on bills and then crawled back in pays over a few months) into a 5 night stay in Majorca for the end of April.  My birthday will hopefully be spent in the sunshine on a beach or by the pool or something.  D and I haven’t had a holiday together since last July, and I’m desperate for a break.  Can’t wait!  And the beach right by our hotel looks beautiful.

Reading:  Still a total failure at this, other than blogs.  I hope to settle in with a few good books in April, but so far all I read is work stuff!

Celebrating:  My new job – start date is April 17th!  And until then I’m on a slight pay boost while I complete a complicated project.

Making me happy:  Other than holiday thoughts, I’m looking forward to doing a clothing clear-out soon, I’ve got album planning underway and start rehearsing with musicians next week.  Woo!

 

What’s making you happy lately?

 

 

…xxx
siggrey