Unloading.

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I don’t have a lot to say and yet I have a lot to say, pals. There’s a lot going on as always, and my head is always full, but there’s not a lot I can just publicly unload here. I’d love to unload.. and the times I get with close friends where I feel I can say anything, I clam up and I either completely undersell everything as no big deal, or I just don’t want to talk about me any more.

I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong. You know when you get to that point as an adult where you’re always second guessing every decision you make? I hate it when I see others who so obviously do not have their shit together, because I’m so used to having my shit together and I want everyone else to feel on top of it, but I just don’t feel on top of it right now. Between work, home, health, family.. it all feels like it’s unravelling.

I love journalling privately, and I have been doing a bit of that, and always talking to my husband, but I just don’t know what to say publicly. I feel like I am a writer, and I am a blogger and I am a sharer, but I have these periods where I just want to run away from sharing. And it’s not always about me, it’s often about others who don’t give permission to have their lives detailed online or for my thoughts about how things affect me to be on here. And sometimes life is just private and to be kept between those you love.

 

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The gist of it is that I just feel.. stressed and like that stress is seeping into everything: making me sick, making me tired, making me cranky, making me awkward, making everything suck. And I know some things that will fix it, but it’s just not that easy to fix.  I just have to take things as they come and try not to let everything overwhelm me.

(There are great online forums to talk your shit out, y’all.  Seek ’em out. There are some pretty amazing strangers in this world.)

We have 4 weeks til our Italian honeymoon and I think that is helping to hold me together just now. After it? I’m not sure. I need to find a focus point; I need a way of calming and controlling my life again. And I think getting a plan in place is the only way.  I am a master planner.

No comments required, no sympathy wanted..!  Just unloading.

 

 

…xxx

swhite

Still alive…

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Just keeping on trucking.

 

 

I’ve been writing in a private journal every day. Cause it’s good to get out work frustrations and personal thoughts but they’re not really right for here. But hi!  I’ll be back at some point soon. The days are longer, the evenings are busier, and hopefully summer is on its way (I got hailed on today).

 

 

 

…xxx

swhite

Currently

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I thought I’d get back into one of these posts, cause it’s been a while!
 Room changes 

Reading:   I’m back to Game of Thrones (A Dance with Dragons and A Feast For Crows in machete order) as the show started again and geez, it’s going ahead of me and I don’t like that.

Thinking about:  Our honeymoon!  We’ve booked 2 weeks in Italy in August and I can’t wait.  Rome, Florence, Cinque Terre, Lucca, and Venice.  So exciting!  We booked a tour yesterday from Florence as well so we’ll get to Pisa, San Gimignano, and Siena as well.

Listening to:  After spending months building our wedding playlist, it’s nice not thinking that hard about it, so I’ve just been shuffling everything at the moment. It’s nice. And podcasts! I’m still so into podcasts.  As you may remember I’m really into The Complete Guide to Everything, but I’ve also become a bit obsessed with The X Files Files, of course.


 Us, Singapore 


Watching:  Well GoT is back as I said, and I’ve started re-watching The Walking Dead as a lot of my other shows have been wrapping up.  We’ve also been binge-watching Last Week Tonight as while we’d seen the clips, we’d not seen whole eps, so that’s fun. John Oliver is so charming.

Trying:  To be cleaner. Our place is a mess. And to get my name changed everywhere! What a rigmarole. I needed my passport to change things so that’s done, just waited on my marriage certs to arrive, and then I can do my BRP, driving license etc etc.  Cards are being changed, and all of the online stuff is done.  It’s really kinda weird but also very nice. We got a new nameplate for the door!

 

 


Loving:  Being married.  It hasn’t changed much, but it’s special.

Celebrating:  It’s the weekend!  Getting back into work was tough, y’all.  I’ve had a sinus cold for the last few days so I’ve missed some time, but I’m getting back into the swing of things.

Making me happy:  Dave, chocolate, my friends having babies, spring, and writing.

Wedding and other posts to come soon.
…xxx

swhite

Mrs Lawrie

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Hello, lovelies.

 

 

I’m a married lady.

 

 

 

And it was wonderful.

 

 

I’m sorry I haven’t written. In the lead up to the wedding I had so much to say, but I just was beside myself with stress.  When I actually arrived in New Zealand, a lot of that had dissipated, but it was a crazy time.

It’s hard to believe it’s been 2.5 weeks since the big day – it feels like I’ve been back at work forever.  My name has changed everywhere around me at the office, and I’m in the process of completing a gazillion forms and processes to get it changed everywhere else.  I’m committed to it, though.

Life has ticked on and not a lot has changed for us – but we do talk about our day still and look forward to celebrating our marriage again in June with Edinburgh family and friends.

 

 

 

I love my husband, and I’m so excited to call him that. He is my one and only, my happy spark, the best part of my day.

 

More photos to come soon.

 

…xxx

swhite

Hen Party – Edinburgh

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On the last weekend of February I had my first Hen Party.  Being an International Woman, I’m being treated to a few!

My Edinburgh-based bridesmaid, Helen, organised a really fun weekend with all of my favourite local women.

 

 

And of course in my typical style, I Instagrammed a lot of it!  Above is the cake that Helen put together – in my favourite shades, with a fabulous drunk Ariel on top. Hilariously, as I’d curled my hair on Friday night, my hair did end up resembling her on Saturday morning…

 

 

What’s a hen without a few penis marshmallows?

We spent Friday night playing Mr & Mrs, where I ended up drinking shots or taking forfeits, and as I got drunker, I got more answers wrong.. and you know where this is going.

 

 

By the end of the night I was too drunk to sit upright, and ended up being very gently put to bed. I was not a well woman in the morning.

 

 

But after a bit of sleep and some heavily-applied makeup, I was ready for part two.  Afternoon tea at The Tower restaurant! Swanky.  We were also joined by wee Elsie:

 

 

And I like this shot of me and Charly:

 

 

Then we moved on to Paradise Palms, which is actually a pretty awesome joint. We had an excellent waitress and after some fries, I started to feel pretty good. We were also joined by a work friend for a drink or two and played some dirty Pictionary (Dicktionary!) invented by Charly.  She has an impressive knowledge of terms I’d never heard of.

 

After a wee bit there, we moved on to Las Iguanas for an amazing Mexican feast.

 

 

 

And then, karaoke!  Finally, we ended Saturday on the dance floor.

 

 

Sunday we topped off the weekend with a very late brunch, where we were joined by another wee baby pal, Meriel.

 

 

All in all, it was a fantastic weekend and I felt very special. It was so great to have my favourite women join me for the silliness and chat.

 

 

 

…xxx

swhite

Caledonia

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Let me tell you that I love you, and I think about you all the time – Caledonia you’re calling me, now I’m going home

 

 

I come from one of the most beautiful countries in the world, but geez, Scotland takes my breath away sometimes (especially the northwest). Here are some snaps from my recent drives around Scotland!  I travelled from Edinburgh to Fort William, through Glencoe, etc. Stunning.

 

Glenfinnan/Loch Shiel

Glenfinnan Viaduct

 

 

…xxx

swhite

Progress and confidence

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I feel a bit like I wrote my last post and it got a bit deep so I then dropped the mic and ran away. But hello! I am here.

 

And holy cow, it’s basically the end of February.  I knew 2015 would go by fast but it is disappearing in the blink of an eye. Tomorrow is 4 weeks until we fly to New Zealand and I suddenly feel the time crunch of it all – so much to do before the big day, but I know we’ll get there.

 

 

I’ve said it before, but I’ve had a bit of wedding dress body stress, and that has changed quite a lot since I last wrote about it.  My first dress fitting went really well, and the seamstress was fantastic and helpful and so, so cheap!  I almost fell off my bed when she told me how cheap it was going to be, and she had some excellent suggestions for amendments if I didn’t meet my fitness goals by the final fitting. I’ve got 11 days until the next fitting, but I’m feeling pretty happy with where I’m at so far. I’m still about 15-20lbs over where I (in a perfect world) thought I’d be on my wedding day, and about 25lbs over where I’d ideally like to be (which is actually lighter than I’ve been in geez, probably 15 years, so I’m just being pretty ambitious here), but since September I’ve lost nearly a stone (14lbs/6.5kg) and this year alone I’ve lost 8lbs, so I’m pretty stoked with that.

 

 

I know we’re all about not focusing on weight loss these days as a society, and accepting ourselves as we are, and I applaud that. But this to me was never about people thinking I was hot, or having a flat stomach, or buying into anything I’ve been told. It’s always been about my confidence level, and fitting into my clothes, and feeling healthy and strong.

 

 

The key to it for me has been diet (though yoga has been wonderfully beneficial as well) – once I started eating right, the cravings for stuff stopped, the self-control grew (like, I can have chocolate next to me and not eat the entire block, which a while ago was tough work) and I’ve become pretty obsessed with Nakd bars and stuff.  A huge help I’ve found has been not eating much at night/stopping eating before about 7pm – even when I’ve had an unhealthy day (cause, not gonna lie, there has been some fast food), I’ve managed to keep the weight loss going.

I also do a bit of 6:1/the occasional 5:2 and find that helpful too.  Not that common, though.  And more work to do!

 

 

Ultimately, it has been a huge boost to my confidence and to my happiness.  I still weigh so much more than I did 5 years ago, but my stomach is so much smaller, my thighs are awesome and I just feel good about my body for the first time in a long time.  Also, the yoga has contributed hugely to my mental health – my stress and anger levels have been pretty high over the last year, but they’re getting better.

 

 

I hope you’re all well and good!  I have some more posts planned for the next wee bit, so I’ll be back soon – especially to share some amazing shots I got while travelling last week.  And I’ve got my Edinburgh hen this weekend – super excited!

 

 

…xxx

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